You want to get involved in some sort of motorsports but you’re dead broke and the car you’re driving has 90 horsepower on a good day, and that’s downhill. You’re in luck! There is an event perfect for you. Enter a Coursemarker/Gimmick Rallye, where the challenge isn’t who has the best ride, but who has the best mind. Coursemarker/Gimmick rallyes are events where a driver and a navigator use a set of instructions to drive through a predetermined course on public roads. The instructions are littered with gimmicks to trick teams into driving on the “incorrect” course as opposed to the “correct” one where points are gained by finding coursemarkers. These coursemarkers may give you more instructions (and possibly more gimmicks) along the rallye. First one to the finish line is usually the loser. There is no speed component to gimmick rallyes. It’s like ole Wyatt Earp said, “Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything.”

THE COST

To run coursemarker/gimmick rallyes you don’t need an expensive helmet, or a fully prepped racecar. There are no $1,000 entry fees to put up or a fresh set of tires to buy (and destroy in a single day). These events are run on public roads in everyday street cars. This is probably the least expensive motorsport in existence. The entry fees are between $15 and $25 and all you need to compete is a pencil, a clipboard, and any means of transportation (yes, your Mom’s Camry will suffice). You also don’t need to spend an entire week in the garage busting knuckles to prepare for the rallye. Clean your windshield, sharpen your pencil and drive to the event. It’s as simple as that. Just for entering the rallye you will get a dash plaque to prove to your friends back at school, you’re a rally driving bad ass (well, not exactly).

SANCTIONING BODY

Your geographic location will determine the sanctioning body for your area. In Northern California The Rallye Club and the El Dorado Touring Club both put on monthly rallyes. The Sports Car Club of America (SCCA) runs rallys in some of their regions and doesn’t bother in others. A lot of the SCCA rallys are time and distance based rallys (which we will cover in a future Racer Boy). Regardless of where you live, chances are there is a club running rallys (or rallyes depending on who you ask) nearby. The hard part is finding these clubs. They don’t tend to advertise much and locating these events can be sometimes difficult. Start with Google and harass the next guy you see in the grocery store parking lot driving a Mini Cooper with a lot of lights hanging on the front.

Each club brings their own flair to every rallye. The guys at the El Dorado Touring Club pride themselves in really putting on an “event” that participants are excited to be a part of. Their trophies and dash plaques are second to none. Their website has a sample rallye to help you get the grasp of what it means to participate in one of these events.

THE HIGH

Coursemarker/Gimmick rallyes are not the place to go to grab a burst of adrenaline. This is not stage rallying, where you drift a car at eighty miles an hour between two Redwood trees. This is driving 25 miles an hour (lost) looking for coursemarkers stapled to telephone poles. However, the competition portion of the event is still fun and if you like the idea of beating the guys you are running against, your adrenaline may start to pump while you’re waiting for your name to be called during the trophy presentation.

CAR WEAR

The biggest thing you have to worry about regarding car wear in a coursemarker/gimmick rallye is spilling your coffee. Or maybe worse, your navigator takes a highlighter and nicks the passenger door interior panel leaving a little pink stripe. This is a street legal, no-speed contest event. Your car has a better chance of getting damaged sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot than it does running a coursemarker/gimmick rallye. The only wear and tear on your car will the be the tank of gas you use driving around endlessly in circles.

YOUR DAY

Rallyes are easy events to attend. Grab a navigator, fill up the car with petrol and head to the rallye. I suggest getting to registration as early as possible. Once you arrive, you will pay your entry fees and get a set of General Instructions, Route Instructions, Supplemental Instructions and a Score Sheet. It is a lot to read and you will want to sit in your car and read it all carefully at least five times. Highlight things of importance in the instructions to help you remember it later in the rallye. If you see something in the instructions that is confusing or doesn’t make sense you are allowed to ask the Rallye Master (the guy who wrote the event) questions. He will try to help you as much as possible, without giving away too many of the gimmicks at the same time. There will be a “First Timer/Beginner” class/driver’s meeting that you will definitely want to attend. At this meeting they will explain how the rallye is run and probably throw a few of the gimmicks your way for some easy points. They will show you what coursemarkers look like and explain how to fill in your score sheet. Once you’ve read the instructions and you and your navigator feel as if you guys are ready, use the Route Instructions and head out on course.

This is where the gimmicks really start to play havoc on your day. Here is an example of a gimmick you might run across. Your Route Instructions tell you to make an L at Parkar. Your General Instructions define L as “a turn to the left.” As you drive down the street your navigator says he sees the sign for Parkar. The only problem is the sign actually says “Parker” –the spelling is different. If you chose not to turn on Parker you will find a coursemarker up the road a bit, which will give you points and Supplemental Instructions to delete the incorrect Route Instruction, make a U-turn and then turn right at your first opportunity. This will put all of the rallyists on the same course, those who mistakenly turned on Parker when they shouldn’t have and those who got it right and scored the couresmarker. Sounds easy? That’s about as easy at is gets.

As you continue on course, eventually you will run across a checkpoint sign where you are required to come in. At the checkpoint you may get more instructions, sometimes these instructions are hidden inside candy wrappers or inconspicuously printed on the back of pages. Sometimes the rallye staff will have you do a wacky stunt at the checkpoint for a tie breaker; flip coins, bean bag toss, putt golf balls, it could be anything (and its usually related to the rallye). Once you’re finished, you leave the checkpoint and head back onto the rallye course.

Your new instructions that you got at the checkpoint might be something that seems obvious but it actually has a hidden meaning. For instance the instruction may say, “Just a reminder: During the rallye obey the Vehicle Code, all laws, and to keep our club running rallyes please don’t take any chances while out there on the roads.” It seems like a reasonable reminder to the drivers at face value -don’t mess around and screw things up for everyone else. Then a few minutes later you may be traveling down a road and your Route Intructions say “L first chance.” Some people will make a left at the first opportunity, but because the instruction said “don’t take any chances” you shouldn’t make the left turn. Going straight will take you to another coursemarker. Rallyes are filled with these sorts of gimmicks and tricks, some easy, some more advanced. The good news is regardless if you are on the “right” track or not, after approximately 3 hours the instructions will lead you to the finish.

The finish is usually at a pizza place where you turn in your Score Sheet (and cross your fingers). You will get the answers to the rallye, called a Critique, and see how many times you have been duped. After all of the scores have been tallied by the rallye personnel its trophy time!

THE PEOPLE

Coursemarker/Gimmick rallyists are the Dungeons and Dragons set of the motorsports world. That’s not an insult, it just means these folks are smart. Rallyes are huge logic problems set across an entire city, requiring critical thinking skills and precise reading comprehension. If you think your vintage Datsun 240 Z with the Panasport wheels and the cool Hella rallye lights on the hood is going to give you an advantage, you’re wrong. Two old guys with beards driving a Volkswagen Vanagon are going to kick your ass. The nice part about rallyes is after the scores have been tallied, the old guys will tell you “how” they did it and you’ll get to learn from their years of experience.

GLORY

You won’t be sprayed with champagne or kissed by Ms. North Carolina after winning a coursemarker/gimmick rallye but you will be rewarded with dash plaques and trophies. Some clubs have yearly points systems and championships. A lot of the fun of the rallye is hanging out at the pizza place afterward, reading the critique of the rallye (the answers) and bench racing with your competitors.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

The great part about coursemarker/gimmick rallyes is they have classes set up so that a large pool of people have a shot to win their own class at the event (and pick up a first place trophy). First Timers only compete against other First Timers, same for Beginners, Novices, etcetera all the way up to Master Experts. But even to win the First Timer class you need to do what Yoda said, “Unlearn what you have learned.” What that means is the “reality” of the rallye you are running is outlined in the General Instructions. Those instructions are to be followed precisely. If the General Instructions say “The rallye will not cross any bodies of water,” and you come to a bridge, you need to make a U-turn. And even sneakier, if you come to “Pacific Street” you’ll want to make another U-turn. Both of those U-turns will put you in a position to find a coursemarker and earn points. If you pay attention to detail, read everything as literally as possible you might stay on the right course, earning a respectable score and have a shot for a class win.

To prepare for a rallye, have a large clipboard, lots of highlighters and scotch tape for putting notes on the dashboard as reminders like “Don’t cross water!” If your rallye is run at night you’re going to want good interior lights in the car and nice spot light to search for coursemarkers. And last but not least, start with a full tank of gas and pee before you leave, the rallye route won’t always bring you to a gas station (we found this out the hard way).

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is full because this event will cost you less than taking your girlfriend to the movies. You won’t find a cheaper motorsport anywhere, even the Pinewood Derby is more expensive.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is around idle because during most of the rallye that is what you’re doing, idling and re-reading the rallye General Instructions (again) trying to figure out why you’re lost (again). This isn’t a fast paced adrenaline type of motorsport.

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is around 25 miles per hour because your biggest concern during the rallye is getting lead poisoning from the navigator’s pencil. Most of the rallye is run at about 25 miles per hour. This is a very safe event to be a part of. Take the kids!

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is maxed out because this event won’t take much time. No real preparation is needed, just arrive, drive and eat pizza. The whole thing will probably take 6 hours. I’ve spent more time changing the oil on an MGB.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at 60 miles because that would be the longest distance you would possibly drive in a coursemarker/gimmick rallye. The only thing that might wear on your car will be the reverse synchro from making fifty U-turns.

CHECKERED FLAG

A coursemarker/gimmick rallye is a really fun event to run. Show up prepared to be entertained by the rallye personnel and look forward to being “tricked” a few times. It’s easy on the car and the pocket book, and it’s something you can do with friends or your kids. If you’re looking to get involved in some sort of sanctioned event, but have never made the “jump” to participating in anything with your car, this is a great place to start. And don’t forget “R” means “Right” except when it doesn’t, and sometimes it won’t. Confused? I was too. See you at the Rallye!

There is that car down the street that has been sitting stagnant in that guy’s front yard for way too long. The left rear tire is flat, but other than that, the car appears to be in pretty good shape. Your buddy from high school, the one who got a C in metal shop, says if you buy the car he’ll weld a cage in it. You go down to talk to the guy to see what he wants for the car. His wife answers the door and says if you get “that piece of crap” out of their yard it’s yours to keep. You just scored a car for free, but because she couldn’t find the paperwork, you can’t register it for the street. Now what? Well, the ChumpCar World Series, the endurance racing series for $500 cars, is coming to a track near your town. Grab your Costco sockets and get to work. You’re about to become a racecar driver!

THE COST

Even though the car was a freebie, you’re still going to spend a few bones earning your ChumpCar achievement patch. The car has to have all of the required safety equipment (read the rules here). And, of course, your ass has to be wrapped in the proper safety gear too. Keeping yourself alive while racing isn’t a cheap thing to do. For you folks who don’t already have all of this fancy gear and need the whole lot, I/O Port Racing Supplies has put together an unreal driver package deal using Bell racing products.

Once the car is outfitted with safety gear and you’ve got yourself looking like Michael Schumacher in your new red driving suit, you still need to fork over the ChumpCar entry fee of $500 for the car, plus $100 per driver (four drivers minimum, six drivers maximum). Each driver is required to have a ChumpCar license ($50 each, for the year) and rookies need to go to “Playschool My First Car Race” class ($25 each). That’s right, this stuff is sort of adding up. Don’t forget you’re going to need to put gas in that tank for 24 hours straight –advancing the timing for that 110 octane race gas at $7.50 a gallon is really starting to look like a dumbass idea now.

This is cheap racing, but racing ain’t cheap no matter how you slice it. My advice, get a student loan and go have some fun.

SANCTIONING BODY

The ChumpCar World Series is run by John Condren, who owned Altamont Motorsports Park (where the first few 24 Hours of LeMons races were held). Altamont was a paved oval “circle track” with an option to run a road course through the infield (think Daytona, only smaller and without the Florida humidity). Circle track racers have been doing low buck “claimer” racing for years. For banger classes, “Hornets” classes, or street stock classes, were all the same thing: cheap cars, limited modifications, lots of racing. To keep competition equal if a car was suspected of being a little too fast, the competitors could buy it for $500, minus some safety gear. ChumpCar is the road racing version of this same concept.

THE HIGH

Blasting down a straight away, rowing through the gears, side by side with another racecar, with the exhaust piercing your ears as you try to out brake the other guy as you both head into a tight corner is quintessentially epic. This is the ultimate high in motorsports, head to head, door to door action. And all of this can be yours for a fraction of the price it would cost to road race with the SCCA or NASA. If you try it, I guarantee you’ll love it.

The ChumpCar series doesn’t have the huge entry count that other similar series have which means the track is wide open, resulting in faster lap times and more aggressive racing. If you put two wheels off at ChumpCar you will not earn a black flag. You get to race hard. The $500 question is: Can your $500 car go the distance while being flogged around the track at Mach 2 for fourteen hours? Eh, probably not.

CAR WEAR

You won’t be borrowing your mom’s car and sneaking off to compete in ChumpCar. This series is for dedicated $500 racecars. As previously mentioned you’ll need a roll-cage, window net, 5-point harness, cut-off switch, the works. To keep things easy for guys building a car from the ground up I/O Port Racing Supplies has a car package deal, where you can get all the parts you need to convert your hooptie into a race prepared track machine while saving a few bucks.

When it comes to car wear, remember this is wheel to wheel racing, so on track damage is possible (some could argue, probable). Obviously after 14-24 hours of racing, you’ll need a new set of brake pads, rotors and tires (and maybe some new fenders, and worse case scenario a new car). One of the things to keep in mind when running ChumpCar is that this is claimer racing. If the ChumpCar staff things your $500 car is more like a $5,500 car, they may hand you $1,500 in cash and keep your ride ($500 car + $1,000 worth of safety gear). Don’t worry, they’ll let you take out your pricey racing seat, but you will be leaving the roll-cage. After the car is claimed by ChumpCar it will go on auction for all of the teams you just beat in the race to bid on. They would love to get their hands on your “stock,” “we found in the car in a field” 300 horsepower motor.

YOUR DAY

ChumpCar runs two separate race formats. One is a 24 race, the other is two separate 7 hour enduros. For the seven hour enduro weekend you will need to arrive Friday night and go through tech inspection, car value inspection and theme/engineering inspection. The first is just to make sure your car is safe. They want to make sure when they hit the kill switch on your car it actually turns off the motor, not just the cool light you put on the dashboard. The second inspection is to ensure your car is worth $500. A car valued at more than that will earn penalty laps. Cars that have a good theme or backwoods race engineering can earn bonus laps. ChumpCar donates a lot to different charities and if you bring $100 worth of canned food or make a cash donation to a particular charity you can buy up to a maximum of 5 bonus laps (which isn’t a bad idea if you brought a questionable $500 BMW and you are trying to offset some ugly penalty laps). There is no bribing at ChumpCar. They want the car value inspections to be cut and dry. Bring a $500 car and they will stay off your case, bring a $5,000 car and there are going to climb in your butt.

One of the things ChumpCar looks at specifically is the money spent on brake components. They have a 2X rule which means you can use any brake components you want as long as they are not worth more than two times the stock component (you may want to bring some documentation on this to plead your case, “I swear my Brembo’s only cost me $150 per caliper.”)

For the seven hour enduro race weekend, Saturday will have a race completely separate from Sunday’s event. The cool part about this format is if you lunch a motor early on Saturday, your weekend isn’t completely shot, and you still have a chance for glory. You’ll have all day (and night) to fix the car and have an equal shot at Sunday’s race. The awards ceremony for both events is held after Sunday’s checker.

For the true 24 hour format, inspection and registration is Saturday morning with an 11 o’clock green flag. Here is something important to remember, lights! As the sun sets you’ll realize pulling out the right front headlamp to get that extra rush of air to your Ebay, Chinese made, cold air intake was a bad idea.

With either format of race you attend at ChumpCar the racing is full bore. And the tracks they are scheduled to run are second to none, Willow Springs, Infineon, Sebring, VIR, Rockingham, you name it, their top notch and they are all over the ole U.S. of A.

With this type of racing on these types of courses, even if you aren’t leading the race or vying for the top spot, you are still having a blast. You are getting hours and hours of driving time which is tough to find in other sanctioning bodies. With the NHRA you might get about one single minute worth of track time (ironically the faster your car, the less track time you see). At ChumpCar you might see six hours of seat time, and that’s sharing the car with your friends.

THE PEOPLE

ChumpCar competitors are predominantly racers. These are guys (and gals) who want to be racing every single minute of their lives. Remember Steve McQueen’s famous line from the movie LeMans, “Life is racing, everything else is just waiting”? Well, with ChumpCar, there is no waiting, just racing. This series gives people a place to race hard while not spending hard. ChumpCar events have brought in drivers from all different sorts of motorsport disciplines from road racers to circle track drivers (who know how to make a piece of crap fast) and obviously 24 Hours of LeMons racing teams looking for more events to race their already established $500 cars. You will also find people who have never been in a race (unless you count the occasional stop light to stop light blitz). These folks are easy to spot as they are the ones inevitably facing the wrong way on the track. The good news for these types is ChumpCar has their rookie school for newbies to attend and learn important things like what the blue flag with the yellow stripe means (in case, you’re not in the know, it means move over, I’m passing you!).

GLORY

When it comes to glory, ChumpCar is good to its competitors. They hand out cool custom built welded trophies to the top three competitors, so a podium finish does actually mean something. Money is also handed out to the top three finishers. For a single 7 hour race, $1,000 to the winner, $350 to second place and $250 for third (most weekends hold two 7 hour events with separate winners and prizes –if you win both days, you get an additional $500 bonus totaling $2,500, not too shabby for a $500 car race). For a true 24 hour race the winner gets $2,000 large, $750 for second and $500 for third. Trust me, this is a lot more money than you will ever see autocrossing with the SCCA. There are also awards for best of show and best use of engineering which are worth $250 a piece. Are you going to be on the cover of AutoWeek after winning ChumpCar? No. But you might get your very own post on Jalopnik which some people would argue is actually cooler.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

To win this series you need to have a couple of things on your side, the first one being some racing luck. Anyone competing in an endurance race with a $500 car should consider themselves lucky if the car just finishes the race. The next thing your team needs is consistency. Can your team run hard and fast for 14 to 24 long hours? Maybe you can set the fastest lap time during hour one, then spend two hours in the pits replacing your front rotors. Believe me, this is not the way to win a long race. If you want to see that checkered fly over the top of your windshield (if your car even has one) you need to race cautiously. Fast, but not too fast. Careful, but not too careful. You need to find that sweet pace where you are making laps but keeping the car underneath you. Sounds easy? Not even. Once that green flag drops and the sound of that motor hitting 6,000 rpms blasts your ears, that last thing you’re thinking about is taking it easy.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is below a quarter tank because after building the car, buying all the safety gear and paying all of the fees you said to yourself, “Autocrossing only costs me 25 bucks!”

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 6,700 RPMs because ChumpCar races are fast paced with lost of open track ahead of you. You will be screaming around the track and making insane passes while yelling in your helmet, “YEEEHAAAW!”

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is around 95 mph because you are racing wheel to wheel while operating a car worth less than the cost of a new bicycle, while surrounded by likewise crappy cars, each waiting do drop a wheel and pirouette over your roof at any given moment.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is below a quarter because you spent more time than you thought you would adding two thousand dollars worth of safety equipment to a $500 car.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at 600,000 miles because racing any car for 24 hours is about the hardest thing you can do to a vehicle. Racing a $500 car for 24 hours is about the dumbest thing you can do with a vehicle (and consequently super fun).

CHECKERED FLAG

ChumpCar is a series to check out if you want real endurance racing experience at a fraction of the price. For a thousand obvious reasons, there will always be the comparison to the 24 Hours of LeMons. After racing in both series, I would say that the focus of ChumpCar is “inexpensive competition” where as LeMons has a flavor more in tune with “glue a toilet seat to the roof of your car and endure multiple full course yellow parade laps.” If wearing women’s stockings and gluing foam decorations to your car is your party (and it’s a good party), then LeMons is your home. If you want to just race hard as long as possible for as cheap as possible (and not have Judges Jonny Lieberman or Phil “Murilee” Greden screaming in your face), then ChumpCar may be what you’re looking for. See you at the track.

Most of us gearheads experienced our first competitive car race in the Pinewood Derby. A seven inch long piece of wood, four nails, four plastic wheels and a sloped track –that’s it. Gravity is the only motor in this race. At first glance it seems like there isn’t much to the Pinewood Derby. However, after getting your ass kicked your first year you realize that a Pinewood Derby car can be as complicated as any real racecar. Aerodynamics, rolling friction, center of mass, weight, alignment, lane choice, there are all sorts of things that can make the car roll down the track or get stuck halfway down the hill. Of course, as a seven year old kid you have no idea how to change the center mass of a Pinewood Derby car, that’s where dad comes along.

THE COST

An official Boy Scout of America Pinewood Derby kit is about five bucks. This is the first and last time for the rest of your life, that racing will only cost you five bucks. A can of spray paint and some stickers may rack up a few more coins at the local hobby shop, but all in all you can build one of these racers for less than it costs to go to McDonalds and try to stop your heart.

SANCTIONING BODY

The Boy Scouts of America started this craze in Manhattan Beach, CA back in 1953 and still hold the reigns on it. Other groups like Awana also run Pinewood Derby events. It’s a cool thing for the kids and easy for clubs to set up. All you need is a sloped track for the cars to roll down. Some tracks are more high tech and have computer timing and scoring.

THE HIGH

Because you aren’t actually driving these cars at high speeds, obviously there isn’t much adrenaline rush in Pinewood Derby racing. But, as the cars roll down the wooden track there is a bit of a high while you’re waiting to see if your car comes in first. In fact, most people aren’t breathing as the cars are in motion. If you win, you are loving life, if you lose, you want to go home and kick the dog.

CAR WEAR

If the Pinewood Derby car is built tough it can last the entire event. Most cars lose a wheel or two during the day (easily fixed by pushing the nail and wheel back into the chassis). The hardest part on the cars isn’t the racing, it’s the thirty or forty eight year old kids grabbing, drooling on, and dropping the car over and over again between rounds of racing (ruining the perfect alignment you worked so hard on).

YOUR DAY

After a solid week of making sawdust in the garage and trying to turn a wooden block into something that resembles a car you head out to the Pinewood Derby race. The cars are weighed in (you can make minor adjustments here) and inspected to make sure they are using only Boy Scout supplied components (no cheater axles or tricked out wheels). Then the cars go to impound. The cars are put onto the track and raced three at a time (depending on the width of the track, I’ve seen some ten lanes wide). The race consists of a lever being pulled and the cars all being released to roll down the track. First one to the finish line is the winner. Think of it as drag racing a two by four. The racing is an elimination format and during the event, the winners keep advancing while the losers head back to the trailer (or the tool box, in this case). Finally it will come down to two cars. They will race in a double elimination format (swapping lanes so there is no track advantage). The final car is crowned the champion.

THE PEOPLE

Racers are comprised of Cub Scouts. These are good ole fashioned honest young kids working hard for an achievement patch. If you want to compete you’ll need to be a kid between the ages of 5 and 12 years old. So, either invent a time machine and go back to race, or do what I did, have lots of sex and get yourself a son. Then you’ll have to sit around impatiently until the kid is old enough to become a Cub Scout. Once he finally hits that magical age, get yourself a drill press, a Dremel, some sand paper and get to work. I mean, get to work, uh, letting your son build the car.

GLORY

There is glory in the Pinewood Derby. Winners earn great looking trophies and move on to District Championships. At the Championships the kids get the chance to race against the best of the best. No, they don’t have Girl Scouts as trophy girls.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

Just like in real racing, who your daddy is, can make all the difference in your on track success (just ask Dale Jr.) If your dad was a carpenter or a racecar driver, chances are you won your first Pinewood Derby. For the rest of you (who got your asses kicked by the kid whose dad was a racecar driving carpenter) here is how you win the Pinewood Derby. Weight is your friend. You want that car to weigh in at 5.0 ounces exactly (we bring our cars to the event heavy and then use a small drill bit to take out weight from the front end until the scale tips 5.04 ounces on the money –which rounds down to 5.0 ounces on the scale readout). Tungsten is a very dense metal and is great for placing weight in the car (use epoxy –anything else will let the weight fall out during the races). The center mass of the car should be as far back as possible to give the car a little extra boost of potential energy converted to kinetic energy as the car transitions from the slope of the track to the flat (Don’t believe me? Go read a physics book).

The wheels need to be as round as possible which can be done by spinning the wheel on a drill press and using some fine sandpaper. The nails, which are the axles, have small burs on them that actually slow the wheels down. The nails need to filed down to a perfect roundness and polished to a mirror image (this is allowed in the rules). A longer wheelbase makes the car more stable on the track. The wheels and axles should be aligned perfectly as they are placed in the car (use a tiny bit of super glue to set the axles and keep them from sliding out of the chassis). Rolling friction is not your friend so having one wheel off of the track (aligned higher in the chassis so the wheel doesn’t touch the ground) will cut your rolling resistance by 25%. Aerodynamics don’t play an enormous roll in Pinewood Derby but building a car that looks like a sailboat with a huge sail on the roof isn’t helping matters. My son’s car had six coats of paint on it and was wet sanded between coats just for a little extra aerodynamic advantage.

If you really want to win, build a scale practice track and then construct ten cars (I’m serious). Race all of them against each other and the winner goes to the show. Every racer knows that testing and tuning is what really wins championships.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is near full because this is the cheapest racing on the planet.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 800 RPMs because watching a piece of wood roll down a wooden track doesn’t really compare to sliding a car sideways at an autocross. However, you can get your adrenaline up by winning some races.

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is at 5 miles per hour because nobody has ever been killed racing a Pinewood Derby car. However, building the car, you can lose a finger messing around with the drill press.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is over three quarters because this doesn’t take much time to race but you can spend over a week sanding and painting your little wooden car. Then again I’ve seen some kids and dads build the kit during tech inspection at the event (no, they didn’t win).

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at just over one tenth of a mile because the track is only about forty feet long. As your car continues to win rounds, you’ll keep racing.

CHECKERED FLAG

Kids can learn a lot about actual racing from participating in the Pinewood Derby. They can learn how preparation and a sorted car can bring home victory. They can also learn how nutty their dad is when he starts to go all Penske on the car and tries to build it for him. The important thing is to let the kids build the cars (or at least let them think they built them, anyway). See you at the track.

Getting tired of drag racing the same old straight 1,320 feet?  Is autocrossing around cones in a parking lot, racing against the clock, not doing it for you anymore?  What if I told you about a place where you could compete head to head against similar cars with similar modifications in a drag race format on two mirrored autocross courses?  Does the idea of blasting away from a drag race Christmas tree and then barreling into a tight turn interest you?  How about coming out of that turn and seeing your competitor out of the corner of your eye, sideways, coming out of his turn just a few feet ahead of you over on the other track?  You’ll need to push harder and run the next corner even faster if you plan on being the first car across the finish line.  Sounds pretty crazy doesn’t it?  It is absolutely fantastic competition.  It’s called Pro Solo, and it’s drag racing with corners.

THE COST

This racing, like E.T. Bracket Drag Racing and Solo/Autocross is relatively inexpensive.  Almost any street car can run the event, so you don’t need to have a truck and trailer or a dedicated racecar.  In order to participate you have to be an S.C.C.A. member ($85 a year), own a current Solo rulebook ($25), and then a weekend of racing will set you back $95 for the entry fee.  You will need a helmet (I/O Port Racing Supplies can get you one for as cheap as $94).  That’s it; that’s all you need.  A few bucks and you’re there doing it.

SANCTIONING BODY

The Sports Car Club of America, S.C.C.A., has the monopoly on this sport.  There are lots of drag racing and solo sanctioning bodies, but the S.C.C.A. is the only one I am aware of running Pro Solo style events.  They only put on about eight events a year, including the National Championship, so getting to an event may mean some traveling.  But it’s absolutely worth it.  Here is the link to the website for Pro Solo.  They have multiple classes depending on the performance and modifications to your car which means you will be competing against similar rides.  And there is contingency money to be had (if you win) based on the manufacture of your car and/or your tires.

THE HIGH

If you have ever run an autocross you already know the joys of sliding a car around a corner as hard as you can without any worry of running into something hard (like a concrete wall).  And if you have ever drag raced, you know the fantastic feeling of coming across the finish line first.  This sport combines the best of both worlds.  You get the adrenaline shot of side by side competition with the heart pounding action of driving through slaloms.  This is total kick ass fun with a car.  When you are racing side by side, you really find yourself pushing harder and harder, where you may not when racing against yourself.  You really can’t beat this type of racing high combined with the low risk factor (if you lose it, there is nothing to run into).

CAR WEAR

Even though this is head to head racing, no two heads shall make contact.  The tracks are mirrored and laid out in a way so that the two competitors can see each other but will not make contact with one another, even if a vehicle loses control and spins out in a corner.  The only thing your car will run into is a pylon.  The biggest wear and tear on the cars is the tires from hard cornering.  Most people race their street cars and use a set of dedicated wheels/tires to mangle on the course.

YOUR DAY

You need to pre-register for the event online at S.C.C.A.’s website.  Most drivers arrive Friday and get the cars tech inspected.  If you want you can pay a few dollars to get some practice starts on the Christmas tree.  I would recommend this as it will help you get your car and tires acclimated to the launching surface.  You will be given some required event sponsor stickers to put on the car (which will make your street car look like a racecar –something you always wanted anyway).  On Saturday morning they will post grid sheets that tell you where to line up.  You will run with your class (similar cars).  Strap on your helmet because it is time to race.

When you move forward toward the starting lights you will have the chance to do a little burn out to warm up your rear tires (and psych out your opponent).  Then you will proceed forward to the staging lights while your competitor will be doing the same thing on his (or her) side.  Staging is just like drag racing (which we covered in great detail in a previous Racer Boy column on E.T. Bracket Racing).  Leave on the last yellow light and run as hard and fast as you can just like any other autocross course (which we conveniently covered in a previous Racer Boy column on autocrossing).  Remember, as you thrash through the course, stay off of those cones, they will cost you two seconds apiece.  Once your run is over, you and your competitor will switch sides and immediately race each other again on your respective opposite course.

For the first session you will get three shots at the course (six runs, three per side).  Your overall time is the best left side course and best right side course of the weekend (they do not have to come from the same left and right combo run, just your best from either side). 

Sometime during the day, just like in standard autocrossing, you will have to work (stand out on the course and shag downed cones) in between your race sessions.  For the next race session of six runs, the grid sheets will be adjusted so the faster cars will go up against each other.  After your second round of adrenaline pumping hard driving action, that will finish out Saturday’s fun.  Sunday morning you will have one more chance to drive another six run session and attempt to better your times.  After all of the runs are completed, and whoever has the lowest left and right combined time wins the class and automatically qualifies for the Challenge.

Once all of the class winners are decided, then the Pro Solo Challenge will begin, which is run in more of an E.T. Bracket race as opposed to the earlier “heads up” runs.  This way a Nissan Sentra SE-R has an equal chance against a Ford Shelby Mustang.  Your fastest runs become your bracket time and the Christmas tree will delay the starting light for the faster car.  The two cars will run both sides and the first one across the line with the combined lowest time will move onto the next round.  If you don’t qualify for the Challenge or get eliminated, stick around because this is really fun to watch.  Two drivers will be absolutely going for it at the line and in the corners.  The racing is intense.

When the weekend ends there will be an awards ceremony for class winners and Challenge winners.  Some will come away with contingency money and trophies; others will come away with four bald tires.  All leave having had a great weekend of racing.

THE PEOPLE

Even though this is a combination of drag racing and solo, generally there are no dedicated drag racing teams here (remember the saying, drag racing is for fast cars, road racing is for fast drivers?)  This sport is filled with solo/autocross competitors.  Not just any old regional parking lot racers either, these are the best of the best of the solo/autocross world.  Most cars running in the Pro Solo series you will see racing at the Tire Rack SCCA Solo National Championships.  The cool part about the people that compete is they are very friendly to first timers and put on a course walk through for anyone who would like to learn more about Pro Solo, staging, or how to run the track.  These folks communicate with each other and give great advice at SCCAForums.

GLORY

The racing format of the Pro Solo is where the glory comes from.  As cars are eliminated, and you are one of the few left, all eyes will be on you for the final runs.  There is a lot to celebrate winning a Pro Solo Challenge.  Not only will you win a trophy but there is a lot of contingency money up for grabs if you have the correct stickers on the side of you car.  An overall win could pay for the entire weekend of racing, and then some.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

You have to be a real wheel man to win at a Pro Solo.  Anyone can enter in almost any car, but to win here you need a nationally competitive prepared solo car, fantastic reaction times, consistency, and mad driving skills.  This is not the place where a limited field of competitors and some luck will give you a trophy.  Anyone who possesses a Pro Solo Challenge trophy earned every piece of it.

That being said, here are the tricks of the trade.  You need to beat everyone in your respective class (for instance F-Stock) to qualify for the finale.  But you only want to beat them by a little and leave some “sand in the trunk” when it comes down to the final Challenge runs.  Unlike in E.T. Bracket Racing, in Pro Solo, if you break out, (go faster than your bracket time) you are not instantly disqualified; you get to keep your round win.  For your next run against the next competitor, you will have your bracket time lowered a few tenths of a second (which might be faster than you can muster), however, if you save this little extra “boost” for the last run of the day, then you have nothing to worry about.

Unlike drag racing where you choose a lane, the challenge is a two session race.  Meaning you will run both lanes/sides of the track and your combined time is what gives you the win for that round.  If your competitor hit a cone on one side (and is penalized two seconds), you know you can roll things back a little on the second side, make a conservative run and still win the round (without lowering your overall target time).

Obviously great reaction times always help while “too good” reaction times –red light, will put you on the highway to home.  Just like drag racing, a red light is a total bummer.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is around three quarters because the entry fee is a little more than a standard autocross and you have to be a member of S.C.C.A. to race (gotta pay those dues).  Plus your tires will surely die.  This is still one of the cheapest forms of racing with the best competition factor.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 6,200 RPMs because the moment you come sliding sideways out of the first corner and you see the guy on the mirrored course next to, your adrenaline is off the charts.  This is high test racing.

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is at 52 miles per hour because this is safe racing.  Just like autocrossing, driving to this event is more dangerous than participating in it with a helmet on.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is at less than three quarters because this is a three day event (tech and registration one day, two race days) plus some travel time.  Some of your precious quality time with the missus will be used up some (Momma ain’t gonna be happy).

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at 3,000 miles because, like autocross, it’s not really that hard on your car, except you will wear out the sidewalls of your tires in the corners and you’ll destroy the center of your tires during the drag race starts.  Obviously clutches take a beating here too (unless you have an automatic, which brings up a whole spectrum of things allowing me to make fun of you for, but I won’t).

CHECKERED FLAG

This is one of those events you have to try once.  The drag racing with corners Pro Solo experience is an outstanding adrenaline rush.  Nothing else really compares to the head to head racing action without the worry of damaging your car in a crash.  I’d recommend it to any racer (even the ones with those nutty automatics). 

Remember the movie Cannonball Run?  You know, back when Burt Reynolds had a full head of hair.  Well, when I was a wee lad and I saw that movie in the theatre, the image of those two ladies with the huge racks piloting their Lamborghini Countach down the freeway and tagging the 55 MPH speed limit signs changed my life forever.

Fast forward a couple of decades, ole Burt’s hair line has receded but my yearning for an all out open road race adventure has not.  Roll tape on the Beetleball.  It’s just like the Cannonball, only instead of Lamborghinis it’s Volkswagen Bugs.  Trust me, it’s hard to get a speeding ticket in an air cooled Volkswagen, well, at least in the one I was driving anyway.

THE COST

This event can be as cheap as two tanks of gas and the 250 dollar entry fee (you get a lot for your $250, see Sanctioning Body below).  I say cheap, however, that is if you already have a Volkswagen that runs, is registered for the street and has a prayer of finishing the rally.  If you don’t have a VW, borrow one from somebody who is letting theirs rot on the side of the house.  Air up the tires, throw some oil in that bad boy and go have some fun (just make sure your AAA membership is current for the tow truck you will be needing later).  Some guys run this event solo but I would recommend a sucker to sit in the right seat -I mean a navigator (he/she can also share in the expenses).  Since this rally is run on public roads there is no added cost of helmets, fireproof suits or other nagging expensive items which are supposed to keep you alive in a racecar.

SANCTIONING BODY

Beetleball is run by the Beetleball Endurance Rally Series folks, and when I say folks, I mean one guy, Jim Ferguson, better known as Jimbo.  Jimbo is The Man, and he is what makes this event so cool.  Out of all of the different motorsports series I have competed in, Beetleball was hands down the best at passing out the swag.  Tons of decals, cool tech stickers, finishing stickers, checkpoint trophies, class trophies, t-shirts, number plates, you name it.  The quality of the swag was excellent (trophies from Crown Awards) and it made the competitors feel like they were really a part of something big.  Thumbs way up Jimbo!

I ran in the Long Beach to Las Vegas rally, however, the series runs numerous events, namely the Beetleball 24 which runs from Vancouver, Canada to Ensenada, Mexico (Get your passports in order).  In 2012, Jimbo is planning on running from Manhattan, NY, to San Francisco, CA.  For more information on upcoming events, classes and tech go to www.beetleball.com.

THE HIGH

This is your chance to go insanely fast at legal freeway speeds.  What I mean is that a Volkswagen Beetle going 70 miles an hour down the freeway actually feels faster (and more dangerous) than a new Mustang going 140.  There is something to be said about the experience of driving a car with your right foot planted on the floor for six hours straight.  This will get your senses awake.

You have to maintain a steady pace, stay on course, keep the motor from grenading, and have your eyes open for Johnny Law.  It’s a lot to do and you’ll be amazed how quick the event goes by.  At the end your ears will be ringing, you should have a headache and you’ll feel like you need to sleep for three days.  It’s that awesome.

CAR WEAR

This part is a little on the sticky side.  Devout VW owners will tell you that Volkswagens will run forever.  That may be true, however, they only run forever at two thousand RPMs.  When the little Beetle motors are run flat out for six hours, sometimes they only actually run flat out for three hours and then die, pissing oil and piston fragments all over America’s highway system.

The rate of the car’s destruction is proportional to the placement of your right foot during the rally.  Good news, if it blows up, who really cares?  These cars are easy to work on and spare parts are endless (they built over 21 million of these cars).

YOUR DAY

You pre-register (and pay) to get your course notes and number plates before the event.  You will need to show up a day prior to the start of the rally to go through technical inspection.  Big Red will take a look at your ride to make sure it’s legit (he’s a Baja SCORE guy).  Beetleball rules require the car be street legal (lights, brakes, etc. in working order) with current insurance and that each competitor has a set of triangle reflectors, a fire extinguisher and a first aid kit in the VW.  There will be a driver’s meeting explaining the route and any supplemental rules (don’t worry, there aren’t many rules in this event).

Next you to try to get some sleep prior to the start of the rally (ours started at 3:00 a.m.).  We grabbed a nearby hotel room while some of the other competitors tried to sleep in their Bugs (well, sort of in their bugs, their bodies were laying across the front seats, with the door open and their legs hanging out on the parking lot asphalt).  When the start of the rally approached all of the VWs were lined up door to door.  The driver’s and navigators were positioned across the street ready for a LeMans style start (you run, jump in your car and drive off like a mad man, only to remember to put your seatbelt on ten miles later).

When Jimbo checks the official race time and says “go” you’re off!  It’s a Volkswagen frenzy as cars vie for the front.  Navigators yell out directions over the piercing noise of the redlined VW engines.  Drivers try to push the right pedal through the floor pan.  This goes on and on until either the car runs out of gas, blows up or both.  Eventually competitors will arrive at a checkpoint (Big Red is there to meet ya) where you will pick up some more swag and then blast off toward the next destination, usually another checkpoint.

Where or when you get gas is totally up to you.  Have your ATM card ready to go or throw some green at the cashier to make your stops as quick as possible.  If you don’t get lost, arrested or your car doesn’t implode, you will eventually find the finish line, where Jimbo will be waving the checkered flag.

Now that you have completed the rally and survived it’s party time.  We finished in Las Vegas and there was nothing quite as satisfying as drinking a beer at 9:40 in the morning after running a six and half hour rally through the desert.  Once all the competitors finish the rally (or at least the ones who are going to) there will be an awards ceremony.  Trophy time!

THE PEOPLE

These are VW fanatics.  The people at the Beetleball are almost religious about their Volkswagens.  For instance, they like to tattoo the VW logo on their arms.  They are also some of the coolest car guys I’ve ever met.  A lot of the Beetleballers are Class 11 SCORE Baja racers.  Everyone at the Beetleball was absolutely great.  There were lots of laughs and smack talking during the pre-race driver’s meeting. 

These guys (and gals) also help each other out along the rally.  Anyone who stops to assist a competitor will have their “rescue” time deducted from their overall rally time.  It is an awesome concept and I saw it in action on numerous occasions (as numerous VWs died).  One Beetle came flying into the finish line with two extra passengers, picked up from another car that was stranded on the side of the road (they didn’t want to miss the finish party in Vegas).

GLORY

There is some glory to be had at the Beetleball.  Blasting down the Las Vegas Strip toward the finish line while Jimbo stands in the middle of the street waving a checkered flag will definitely get your adrenaline up.  The overall winner gets a beautiful trophy, each class winner (of 33 classes) receives a trophy as well, and the last place finisher picks up the D.F.L. trophy (yup, that would be the guys driving the VW Bus).  Results, records and photos are kept up to date on the website, which means you can send a link and impress Grandma who just got her Facebook account working.  Does Beetleball have a trophy girl?  Nope, just trophy Jimbo.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

To win this rally you need to finish.  That may sound like an obvious statement to make but it seems to be more of a problem here than in any other series I’ve raced in.  You have to find that fine line between a good pace and lunching the engine.  It may only be a 100 RPMs difference between the two.  Which 100 RPMs is the real question.           

But the success story behind winning Beetleball isn’t a set of dual Webers on an insane motor, it is navigation.  During our race, the same Beetle (which had a great motor) drove past us four times.  We never saw that we passed him, yet he continually passed us, over and over again.  In the end he finished behind us.  Why?  Because even though the car was fast, the driver continually got lost.

Fuel mileage can also help you win the race.  We picked up a finishing place near the end of the event when a competitor in front of us ran out of gas.  Sure, stopping for gas at a gas station takes precious time, but standing on the side of the highway trying to flag down some help takes helluva a lot more time.

Due to the large number of classes you may be able to pick up an easy class win by showing up with a rare VW and rallying against yourself (think of it as racing masturbation).  Anyone have a VW Thing out there?

Bottom line, slow down when you should (and keep yourself out of jail) learn how to read a map (the N should point to the top of the page) and bring lots of oil.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is around three quarters.  No need for a bunch of expensive safety equipment, but you still shelled out $250 to enter and if you don’t have an air cooled VW, you’re looking for a super deal on Ebay.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 3,500 RPMs because the LeMans start is the ultimate adrenaline shot and the first three miles of this event are absolutely insane.

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is around 75 mph because that’s about as fast as you can go in a Beetle.  However this is a dangerous 75 mph.  Remember these cars don’t have those new fandangled air bags.  Instead of the soft cushion of air, they have steel dashboards.  You don’t want to crash a Beetle, chances are you won’t live to tell anyone about it.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is less than three quarters.  This event will eat up an entire weekend, plus some travel.  How much time you spend prepping the Beetle is up to you (I recommend lots).

MILEAGE (Car Wear): You’re going to run at least 450 miles during the Long Beach To Las Vegas event.  However, rally miles (or 4,300 RPM miles, which sound like 8,000 RPMs in a Bug) are sort of like miles squared.  Meaning 450 x 450 = 202,500.  Chassis and body will hold up fine, engine, eh, not so much.

CHECKERED FLAG

Good news for air cooled Volkswagen lovers, you finally have a place to race your car where it is competitive!  It’s been a long time since a Beetle won a race on asphalt.  Beetleball changed all of that.  This is a truly insane/fun/crazy/awesome/questionably legal event.  I’d recommend it to any car guy, VW fanatic or not.

Most of us can’t wait to get to our next track day, autocross or drag race.  But sometimes, when our racecar has a connecting rod oddly hanging out of the oil pan, we are far, far from our next competitive event.  Never fear, you don’t need a racecar to race head to head against your buddies.  You just need to get to Fast Lap.           

Fast Lap Indoor Kart Racing is a place where you can show up, pay your money, and race like crazy on a quarter mile twisty race track in gas powered go-karts.  No trailering a race car, no all-nighter before the race fixing the motor, and no fresh set of tires required.  You arrive, you race, you show everyone why you should be a sponsored driver in the Speed GT series, and then you go home.  Real speed and victory could be yours for less than you would pay for the next Project Gotham Racing video game.

THE COST

When it comes to cost, you really can’t beat the whole rent-a-racer thing.  Go-kart racing at Fast Lap is insanely inexpensive compared to other sanctioned motorsports.  With a coupon from the back of a taxi, or one of the magazines in a local hotel room you can get three ten minute race sessions for around $60 (their prices change occasionally and they have group discounts and corporate deals).  Let’s do a little math here, 30 minutes of racing for 60 bucks, that’s $2 a minute.  Compared to the money it takes to prep, haul and race a car in NASA Performance Touring road racing trust me when I say $2 a minute is a hell of a bargain.  It costs over $2 a minute for a motorhome towing a racecar trailer to idle in traffic.

SANCTIONING BODY

 Fast Lap is the name of the business which is crazy enough to put an insanely quick, great handling, gas powered go-kart in the hands of pretty much any lunatic who has 60 bucks burning a hole in their pocket.  They have their premier track in the famed city of sin, Las Vegas, Nevada, as well as another track in Mira Loma, California.  Information, events, schedules and updated pricing can be found at www.fastlaplv.com.

THE HIGH

When you’re looking for a quick adrenaline jolt, go-kart racing your buddies is about as fun as it gets.  What other racing series can you actually race against your friends where each of you are in similar cars on a track at the same time?  Don’t say Gran Turismo.  Low to the ground cars + great lateral G’s + lots of traffic on the track = nobody walks out of Fast Lap without a smile on their face.

CAR WEAR

Good news: your car won’t suffer any wear at all (unless somebody keys the paint job while sitting in the Fast Lap parking lot).  Your real car will be benched as you will be driving the “rent-a-racer” Sodi-Kart which is a gas powered rocket.  Trust me, it’s plenty fast enough around the tight course for you to miss the braking zone prior to the hairpin and stuff the front of the kart right into the tires.  Oh well, it’s not your car.  These karts have 360 degree bumpers and can take a pretty good beating (although the folks at Fast Lap would appreciate it if you didn’t beat on it).  Yeah, I know, you’re probably going to anyway. 

YOUR DAY

First thing is first.  Fast Lap is in Vegas Baby!  This is a city most people will visit.  In fact, as soon as one of your high school buddies knocks his girlfriend up, you’ll soon be flying into Vegas yourself for a little bachelor party debauchery.  Bars, girls, black jack and some go-karts, it’s a wonderful combination.

Once you and your friends sober up, get to Fast Lap.  You will watch a short video with rules telling you the usual stuff, no bumping, no aggressive driving, yada, yada, yada.  If you want you can wear a racing suit, but I wouldn’t recommend it because the track is indoors and it’s pretty warm in there.  You will be required to wear a provided helmet (don’t worry you germ-a-phobes they give you a head sock).

They will tell you which kart you will be driving for your first ten minute session of three sessions.  The first one is practice (learn the turns and the lines).  When the green flag drops the fun begins.  You and your friends get to prove to each other once and for all who is the real Schumacher in the group.  After the session is over you will get a print out of all of your laps.  Remember, the clocks never lie, so let the smack talking begin.

While you take a breather and check your times, another group will race a ten minute session.  If you show up with a larger group, 5-6 guys, you will probably get your own group for your sessions; which is good for on track shenanigans.  Your next ten minute session will be the qualifying round and you will be put into a different car.  Your time in this session will give you your starting grid position for the race (third session).  You will get another breather and more results after the second session.  Bring some cash because they have vending machines and you will be wicked thirsty after your sessions in the hot indoor track.

For the third and final session, the race, you will start in your qualifying position.  The green flag will drop and all of the B.S. will stop.  You and your buddies will battle on track until the checkered flag falls and one of you is crowned the champ.

THE PEOPLE

You can find anyone and everyone racing at Fast Lap.  The only requirement is that your ATM card doesn’t get denied and you’re all of 5 feet tall (What-you-talkin-bout Willis?  That’s right Gary Coleman, you don’t get to drive).  You’ll race against teenagers having birthday parties, guys from bachelor parties (remember this is Vegas!), corporate team building (Hey ladies!), real racers, wannabe racers and video game racers.  Who doesn’t love a good old fashioned go-kart race?

GLORY

If you win, Fast Lap will honor you with a plastic medal and put you up on the podium (bring your own camera to capture your glorious moment in motorsports history).  No, it’s not like winning Indy, and no, there are no trophy girls (it’s B.Y.O.B. –Bring Your Own Broad).  The trophy isn’t exactly something you want to display in your glass covered case with your drag racing accomplishments, but at least you are actually competing for something other than just bragging rights.  And speaking of bragging rights, they keep a tally of the top laps of the day so you can see how you stack up against other racers.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

To win, it’s all in the name, Fast Lap.  The victory comes down to the fastest lap time, not the driver who actually crosses the finish line first.  I found this out the hard way, after I went under the checkered flag with the lead, and raised my fist in the air for victory (I had crushed the shmucks I dueled with on track).  After my little celebration, that was when I found out our photographer had completed the fastest lap of the race (fourth place finish –but fastest lap) and was crowned the winner.  He picked up the trophy while I stood there like… well one of those shmucks I was describing earlier.

The number of laps completed doesn’t mean squat.  Racing and dueling with another driver, which involves blocking, passing, and unusual lines through the corners, will cause your lap times to suffer.  If you want to win Fast Lap, when the green flag drops, just wait.  Let the testosterone filled bachelors battle it out and crash into each other.  You hang out in the back, race on a clear track, concentrate on your lines and get the best possible lap you can without any interference. 

Some luck will play into winning.  Doesn’t it always in racing?  The cars at Fast Lap aren’t exactly built equally.  Sometimes you get the fast car; sometimes you get the one which has taken one too many hits to the tires.  Good luck wining with that P.O.S.  It is luck of the draw, they don’t allow you to pick your ride.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is just a hair below full because compared to other motorsports, you actually still have money in your pocket after a race (try that after a 24 Hours of LeMons race).

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 3,300 RPMs because your adrenaline begins to pump as you start racing your buddies deep into the corners.  The speed feels good and the go-karts get around the track plenty fast for the course layout.

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is around 25 mph because this safe competition (compared to running 200 mph at Bonneville).  Fast Lap provides you with a helmet to wear and the go-karts have seatbelts.  The track is lined with soft tires.  Your biggest danger is burning your hand on the motor or the exhaust as you exit the car.  Lesson here: If it’s hot, don’t grab it and use it as a handle, Genius.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is nearly maxed since this doesn’t take much time at all.  You arrive, you drive, and you go back to doing your thing, with no racecars to clean, no motors to rebuild and no roll-over damage to fix.  You can be in-and-out within an hour or so.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): You’re not using your car so car wear is nothing to sweat.  I’ve got the mileage listed at 1 mile because that’s how far Fast Lap is from my favorite bench racing bar, the Nine Fine Irishman pub in the New York-New York Casino on the Las Vegas Strip.

We all find ourselves in Las Vegas sooner than later.  When you arrive you will have a couple of choices and both of them involve the word lap.  The first being a lap dance.  You can put 60 bucks in a strippers g-string and see what you’ll get for that (about a song and a half lap dance, a fake name, and a date with a cold shower).  Or you do the other lap, Fast Lap.  Take your $60 and race your ass off.  Trust me when I say you’ll get much more “seat time” at Fast Lap.

You’ve read about it in all the car magazines and you’ve been to the 24 Hours of LeMons website a hundred times, obsessively pouring over the rules.  It’s the endurance road racing series for $500 cars.  You’ve commented on numerous forums that “someday, if you can get a team together, you want to do LeMons.”  You even went as far as e-mailing the Chief Perpetrator of LeMons, Jay Lamm, and bothered him with some stupid question regarding the current market price of your Mom’s 2001 Camry (he told you to read the rules again, the car isn’t worth $500).  Stop blowing bench racing smoke up everybody’s ass.  Find a piece of crap car (that runs unlike a piece of crap), make four new friends (one with money, one who can weld, one who can fix motors and one who has a car trailer) and get yourself to the biggest thing happening in the world of motorsports.  The 24 Hours of LeMons is absolutely the coolest thing you will ever do in an automobile (excluding, of course, things that happen in the backseats of automobiles).   

THE COST

I am going to be straight with you here.  The idea and premise of the 24 Hours of LeMons -racing a car worth $500, is very enticing to most grassroots amateur car folks.  If five guys split the costs evenly, that’s only like $100 a piece, right?  Wrong.  This $500 car race is a very slippery slope for your wallet.  What seems like a cheap way to get into wheel to wheel car racing isn’t all that cheap.  There is actually nothing $500 about this race.  The entry fee alone for a team of five drivers is a cool $1,000.  The car can only be worth $500 before the car’s safety equipment (roll cage, seat, seat brace, five point harness, roll bar padding, cut-off switch, fire extinguisher: $1,600-$3000), your personal safety equipment (Snell rated helmet, neck restraint, gloves, shoes, fireproof suit, underwear, socks: $600-$2,800) brakes (rotors, pads, lines, fluid: $100-$600), and wheels and tires (fresh DOT 190 treadwear rating tires: $350-$900).  Plus there is travel to the event, towing, hotels, food, and fuel for an endurance race.  I’ll save you the trouble of trying to figure out how to use the calculator on your cell phone.  The average cost for a team who brought a fresh car to their first LeMons race is about $5,000.

Shnikees!  $5,000, you moan?  You thought the race was for $500?  You thought this race was for the guys who don’t have lots of money.  Well, in comparison to the American LeMans Series (with a weekend budget of about $500,000), yes, this race is a hell of a bargain.  But in comparison to a weekend autocross or a Wednesday night drag race in your street car, this race ain’t cheap.  But to put things into perspective, you do get a lot for your dollar, usually 14 hours worth of racing.  You could autocross every weekend for the rest of your life and never see 14 hours worth of track time.

Many people have convinced themselves they could really pinch pennies and do the race on the cheap, but by the time the green flag drops, they too have dropped thousands of dollars.  There is a lot of preparation that goes into the safety aspect of these junker cars.  An Autopower bolt in roll cage from I/O Port Racing Supplies (www.ioportracingsupplies.com) usually starts around $900.  I’ve found, after pricing steel and fabrication costs that $900 is a great price.  If you already have all the personal racing gear, then you can save some money there.  However, chances are you don’t have a $900 Nomex suit hanging in your closet next to the tux you never wear.

SANCTIONING BODY

You can thank automotive journalist Jay Lamm for the newest shot to the arm in the world of motorsports.  He dreamed up this knucklehead idea (which turned out to be a genius idea) and, like any good crime boss, has done a fine job of keeping everyone in line.  Nick Pon is Jay’s consigliore, the one who keeps the website wheels spinning, and the main Judges, Jonny Lieberman (Autoblog) and Phil Greden (Jalopnik) are Jay’s hit men.  They keep the competition honest and punish anyone who screws around on the track.  Speed Sport Life’s Zerin Dube also did a guest spot as a LeMons Judge.  Most of the things you need to know about the rules and entry process (you have to convince Jay to let your team race) can be found at the LeMons website: www.24hoursoflemons.com. 

THE HIGH

This is full blown, full bore (and full contact) road racing at its finest.  In actuality, I think it may be some of the purest road racing happening in the world.  I know that is a big statement to make, but hear me out.  In a Formula One race, you might make two or three passes a race.  Maybe twenty passes all season.  In a 24 Hours of LeMons race, you can pass twenty cars in one lap.  There is traffic, late braking, passing, drafting, back straight drag racing, bumping (don’t do it!), pit stops, fueling, driver swaps, you name it.  It is an all out motorsports orgy.  In a single hour on the track during a LeMons race you will see more action than in a season of SCCA or NASA road racing. 

Your adrenaline will be off the charts.  For most drivers it is their first experience really piloting a fully caged racecar around a closed circuit.  And they will be gaining that experience with a hundred, yes I said a hundred, other cars with equally inexperienced drivers surrounding them.  On the track its noisy, it’s hectic, it’s everything you ever wanted it to be.  Caution: it’s highly addictive.

CAR WEAR

This is not the place to compete with your daily driver.  Mom will definitely find out if you borrow the car for the weekend and go to a LeMons race.  Obviously, after gutting the interior and installing a roll cage, this sport is for a dedicated racecar, well, let me rephrase that, it’s for a dedicated piece of crap, which has been turned into a racecar.  You’ll recognize a veteran LeMons car by the beat to hell body panels on every side.  As the LeMons series has matured, so has the driving style.  Even so, each race still has a fair amount of impacts, roll-overs and totaled racecars.  The interesting thing about LeMons racecars: if they survive an event and come back, they always look crappier, yet they magically become surprisingly faster than before.

And of course, there is the ultimate factor in car wear, the dreaded People’s Curse.  During a LeMons event, each team gets to vote for one car to be demolished/taken apart/bashed by hammers/chef’s surprise.  This is intended to keep people from bringing a ten thousand dollar “$500” racecar.  Oh, they’ll let you enter the car, and then they will pull the car apart with a skip loader in front of a cheering crowd throwing lemons at your car.  Lesson here: Don’t bring a car to LeMons you are not totally prepared to be parted with.

YOUR DAY

Your day at LeMons is actually three full days at a road course racetrack (or oval track utilizing the infield as a road course).  The first day is all about technical inspection and then B.S. inspection.  Technical inspection is there to make sure the car is safe and that all of your safety gear is current (your BMX helmet from 1986 isn’t going to fly here).  They want to make sure you remembered to tighten the nuts on the bolt in roll cage, and that your 5 point harness is not attached to the floor pan with sheet metal screws drilled through the webbing material (yes, this has been found). 

The B.S. portion of the inspection is where the Judges, adorned in black robes and white wigs, shake you down and sweat you on the actual value of the vehicle.  This is where you want to have all of your papers in order.  You say you bought a 1999 Mazda Protégé for $200 (because it had a dented right fender) and then you added a locking differential for $100 (an amazing eBay score), got a set of anodized coil-overs on sale at the flee market for $50, and paid cash for a used (but looks new) cold air intake and header from your neighbor for $100.  By all accounts you only spent four hundred and fifty bucks.  Guess what?  The Judges aren’t buying that load of crapola and you just earned yourself some penalty laps – one lap for every ten bucks over budget.  Your ’99 Protégé project will probably land you around 100 penalty laps, meaning you need to beat your competition by 101 laps in order to win.  Ain’t gonna happen. 

The Judges know their stuff and have been lied to, snookered, and have seen more hidden cheats than most NASCAR tech guys.  The smart thing to do is bring a legit $500 clunker, hand the judges some brewskis to bribe them a bit so they don’t look too closely at the front sway bar diameter (they like microbrews, no rocky mountain piss water).  Another great way to stay in the Judges’ good graces is to have a fantastic and creative theme for your team.  A great theme goes a long way with the LeMons staff.  If you show up with an ex-spec Miata racecar and your theme is “Awesome Spec Miata Race Team” you’re in big trouble.  However, if you show up with a Miata with a turbocharger on it and adorn yourself as a cross-dressing French Maid (including the skirt and fishnet stockings over hairy legs) you might actually be okay.  Depends on which Judge you get and what he’s into.

Once inspection is done, it’s time to cruise the pits and start the bench racing.  Here you will get the chance to see people attempting to pull off all night motor swaps with nothing but a half dead flashlight and a crescent wrench (LeMons teams love to lunch motors in practice before the race).  This is a great time to meet the competition and witness the creative ways people built racecars with the spending cap of $500.    

The next day you and your team will attend a driver’s meeting where they will explain what the flags mean (green “go,” yellow “slow,” black “no”).  Then the race will begin, sort of.  You are not going to find the big Indy 500 double file start here.  The cars are guided out onto the track where they drive around lap after lap to see if each car’s transponder is working (you can rent these and zip tie them to the frame, it scores your laps electronically).  Historically, a few of the cars break down before the race actually begins.  Randomly, they will drop the green flag and the race is on!

Without fail a large number of the racers on the track will begin to drive the race as if it was the last lap of the Daytona 500, as opposed to the first lap of a 24 hour endurance race.  Paint is traded, black flags are handed out and teams are sent to the penalty box before five laps can be scored.  Besides the B.S. inspections, the Judges also hand out creative and wicked penalties to the drivers and teams that do foolish things on the track (Newsflash: rubbin’ ain’t racin’ at LeMons, go straight to the penalty box and do not collect $200 if you pass GO).  Oftentimes, teams are made to sit in the penalty box for 30 minutes while the rest of the field continues to make laps.  Or worse, the Judges will weld a large metal pig to your roof so everyone on the track knows you drive like swine.

As the race wears on, cars come in for fuel, driver swaps and occasionally for repairs.  Long races are hard on cars, and they are really hard on $500 cars.  Teams that can make quick on-the-fly repairs get back on the track and back in the mix.  Teams that are searching in the index of their Chilton manual to find out why the car isn’t running are doomed to spend most of the race sitting in the pits as opposed to going fast.

Most LeMons races are split into two days, with a nighttime intermission.  When day one of racing ends, the party begins.  Everyone mills around talking about the race or sometimes handing out apologies for contact or close calls.  Some teams are campaigning not to get the People’s Curse vote by handing out beers and generally lame explanations of why their car is three times faster than anyone else on the track.  Most teams are trying to get their cars back together to run the next day.  There are a lot of tools, beers and stories traded around the pits at LeMons which is what makes the race so much fun to be a part of.

The next morning, bright and early (regardless if you got any sleep or if your car is running again) the race is back on.  About half way through the day of racing one of the cars is given a black flag and with that, the bad news.  They have a date with a bulldozer.  The race continues while the large crowd of people wait in anticipation of seeing a car destroyed (think Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome).  Once you see a car have its motor ripped out by a skip loader, you’ll think twice about spending three thousand on a balanced and blueprinted engine for LeMons.

Eventually the time expires and the checkered flag is dropped.  The team that has completed the most laps wins the overall crown.  The team with the best themed car wins the People’s Choice and the team that brought the absolutely most heinous piece of crap to drive and manages some semblance of laps wins the Index of Effluency award.  Generally there are no losers at LeMons and a good time is had by all.

THE PEOPLE

LeMons is all about the eclectic mix of people who compete in this race.  Everybody brings a little something to add to the flavor.  The cool thing is most of the people at LeMons seem to have a great sense of humor, which is shown in a lot of the team and car themes.  Most teams don’t take themselves too seriously, and even the teams that are serious about the racing are still having fun in the pits, partying, sharing barbeque and helping each other scavenge parts to fix ill-fated cars.  You’ll find the full gamut of motorsports fanatics at LeMons, from people who have never been on a racetrack ever (but frighteningly are now) to pro race drivers, slumming it for a weekend of fun.

GLORY

If you can win it, there is glory here.  The sheer amount of competitors and crew makes the amount of spectators enormous compared to most amateur motorsports.  Winners will be treated to trophies, cash, speeches, flashbulbs and a large cheering crowd (nope, still no trophy girl).  Try to find those kinds of accolades at a rallycross.  The 24 Hours of LeMons has had enormous media support (print, TV and internet), so chances are you or your car will be featured in some sort of article or blog.  You won’t get any of that winning an E.T. Bracket Drag Race on a Wednesday night.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

LeMons is an endurance race.  All you have to do to win is endure.  And the best way to endure is to avoid.  Avoid pre-race penalty laps (by bringing a legitimate $500 car), avoid mechanical problems (by getting lucky enough to bring a $500 car that doesn’t break down), avoid black flags (don’t sit in the penalty box for hours while your competition makes laps on you) and last but not least, avoid crashing (if you can).  If you avoid those four things you’ll have a chance to win LeMons.  I guarantee that you won’t win by driving like a madman during hour two of a fourteen hour race.  All I can guarantee if you do drive like that is either a black flag for spinning off the track or a broken racecar.  Either way, you won’t win the grand prize of $1,500 paid out in nickels. 

Speed, gutsy passes and a fast engine will not bring you a LeMons victory.  With that being said, I know that half of you will still drive as fast as possible, make risky passes and try to get the strongest engine in your car that you can sneak under the Judges’ noses.  Good luck with that.  I know, I know, you’re a real wheel man.  You’ll go out, race your ass off, probably finish around 47^th, but get on the LeMons’ forum and brag about how for twenty minutes in the middle of the race nobody passed you (you would have won the race if your car hadn’t fallen apart or your co-drivers had just been as fast as you were).  Hey, type your heart out, that’s what forums are for.

For those who want to listen, just remember: slow down, survive, and at the end of the race you’ll have a chance to be victorious.    

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is below a quarter tank because this race cost you some money, and then it went over budget and cost you even more money than you expected.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 6,500 RPMs because you are finally doing it, real road racing.  Door to door competition, split second decisions for last second passes, on dedicated race tracks filled with traffic.

MPH (Danger): The Speedometer is around 100 mph because they didn’t make you install all of that safety equipment for nothing.  The fact of the matter is road racing is dangerous compared to other forms of motorsports like autocross.  With lots of cars on track, fairly high speeds, varying expertise levels on course, anything can happen (and usually does).

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is below a quarter because building a racecar, even a $500 one, takes an enormous amount of effort and time.  Your girlfriend, wife, or hetero-life partner, will definitely be pissed about how many hours you spent tearing out the interior and installing a roll cage.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at around 500,000 miles because chances are, the car had 250,000 miles already which is what made it worth only $500.  This race will beat the snot out of any car.  Cars come here to die.  And for sure, one out of the hundred cars will surely die at the hands of the People’s Curse.

The 24 Hours of LeMons is the real article.  It will be everything you were hoping for and more if you can get the money, buddies, car and time (in that order) to put forth the effort to enter and compete.  The series is still young, pure and hasn’t been affected by any large changes to the rules or corporate sponsorship.  Even though I’ve outlined the actual cost to enter as somewhat steep, the race still is an absolute bargain in reference to the costly world of automobile racing.  So it’s still affordable and as of this moment, not completely sold out.  Get it while the getting is good.  Currently, Red Bull has not entered a car… yet.

Editors Note: Speed Sport Life contributors Rob Krider (Racer Boy) and Jack Baruth (Avoidable Contact) have each separately earned overall wins in the 24 Hours of LeMons, which is something no other automotive website has been able to achieve.

You want to do some sort of racing but you don’t have a bunch of money, a high horsepower great handling sports car, or even a helmet.  You’re in luck.  Borrow Dad’s pick-up and head to your local drag strip for some E.T. Bracket Racing.  Slow cars have an equal chance to win against fast cars based on a dial-in system where the start of the race for the faster car is delayed.  At the end of the straight line quarter mile track both cars should cross the finish line within a few thousandths of a second of one another.  First one across the line wins.  If anyone sandbags and goes faster than they should, they are disqualified for breaking out of their bracket.  Driver skill and consistency triumphs over big cash big horsepower machines.  I watched a dude in a rented Ford Focus with an automatic beat a guy in a Z06 Corvette.  How about that for some bragging rights?

THE COST

 Most tracks holding a Wednesday night or Friday night E.T. Bracket races at the drag strip have entry fees of around $15.  With this, you usually get between one to four practice runs down the strip to figure out what your dial-in time should be.  Then, once eliminations begin, you race until you lose.  If you keep winning, you keep racing.  If you go out first round, you still had the opportunity to run down the drag strip a few times and see what your car can do (chances are the performance times won’t be quite as fast as you have been bragging to your friends). 

Since almost any car can compete, you don’t need to spend a lot of money on car preparation here.  Just clean all the crap out from under your seat (so you don’t end up with a can of Red Bull lodged under the brake pedal) and wash your windows.  If you’re lucky enough to own a street car that has some pretty good performance to it, meaning it runs a quarter mile time of 13.99 seconds or less, you will need a helmet.  I/O Port Racing Supplies (www.ioportracingsupplies.com) can set you up with one for less than a pair of basketball shoes.

SANCTIONING BODY

 The National Hot Rod Association (www.nhra.com) has been doing this since the first town in America had two Model T’s.  They have a great series which ranges from the hobby racer (that’s you and me) racing mom’s Buick in E.T. Bracket Racing to the pros, like the Bernstein’s (no, not the bears, the drag racers), who race heads up for the fastest time.  There are some other series as well, like the nostalgia racing guys (old dudes, racing old rear wheel drive cars) American Nostalgia Racing Association (www.anra.com) or the import racers (young dudes, racing new front wheel drive cars) Import Drag Racing Circuit (www.importdrag.com).  I’ve found that most tracks and most series run the same rules.  If you have a stock street car (one that doesn’t have the battery held down by a bungee cord) and you’re dressed in normal street clothes (shorts and flip flops won’t cut it –long pants and a sleeved shirt minimum) you will probably breeze through tech.  At least check to make sure you have all of your lug nuts on the car (you’d be surprised how much this actually comes up during drag race tech inspection).

THE HIGH

We have all blasted from a stop sign and accelerated from zero to the speed limit just to see how hard our car will pull.  Drag racing at the track isn’t much different than that.  You won’t get much adrenaline in your veins from the actual acceleration, unless you’ve built some nitrous sucking monster, then you might get that gut into the rear of the seat feeling.  The adrenaline in E.T. Bracket racing comes from cutting a good light (good reaction time on the tree) and from beating your competition.  This is where drag racing gives instant gratification.  Two people are in this race, only one will win.  Who is it going to be?  You?  Or the guy next to you doing a fifty dollar burn out just to intimidate you before the race?  Only after a full throttle, gear grinding, 1,320 foot run will you know who is victorious.

CAR WEAR

E.T. Bracket Racing the average street ride isn’t really any harder on a car than leaving a stop light aggressively or accelerating onto the freeway.  I say this in reference to mid level average cars.  Your buddy’s 1970 Chevelle, with the big block and the sticky rear tires, could break a driveshaft universal joint or an axle.  The drag strip is lined with concrete walls but they are very rarely touched by E.T. Bracket racers running a standard Friday night grudge match.  The faster cars, cars running the 9.90 index, yeah, they occasionally bounce down the track like a pinball, but those are fast dedicated racecars which aren’t depended on to get anyone to work on Monday morning.

YOUR DAY

After shining your ride, checking your air pressure and making sure you actually do have all of your lug nuts, you will head to your local track and get in line.  Drag Racing is all about the lines.  You wait in line to register (Name, License, Car, Color, Class you’re racing in –probably Street) then you wait in line for technical inspection (Is your car leaking a quart of oil per half hour?) and then wait in line again for your runs down the track.  Prior to the drag strip track is the staging area.  This is where your car sits, and sits and sits, waiting for your turn to go down the track.  DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CAR ALONE HERE.  Stay with your ride.  The lines move randomly and sooner or later, before you know it, the line your car is in is trying to move toward the track, only it can’t, because you’re a half mile away flirting with the girl who sells hot dogs and asking if she likes drag racers (she doesn’t).  You are holding up the entire event and nobody likes a newb.

Once you make it up to the end of the line, a starter will direct you to the left or right lane.  Do what he says.  You don’t get to pick your lane yet, Mr. Force.  There will be an area for doing a quick burn out to heat your tires once the starter motions for you to do so.  It’s your choice if you want to power brake and make some tire smoke.  Some tracks don’t allow cars that have treaded tires to go into the water box.  Know before you go if this is allowed at your track.  Once you’re done making tire smoke and impressing the hot dog girl with your one legged front tire burn out in your Civic, move up toward the staging lights on the Christmas tree.

Click for Larger Image

Staging is the name of the game, you don’t want to screw this up, and it is probably the most important thing to understand before going to the drag strip for a first timer.  Move forward slowly until you see the top lights “Pre-Staged” come on for your side.  Stop, then inch forward slowly until the second set comes on “Staged.”  Stop, you are staged.  Hang loose, wait for your competitor to stage, then as the three yellow lights start to come on one at a time, get ready to leave on the last yellow light.  Gas it and have fun.  Work through the gears and pay attention to stay on your side of the track.  Once you go through the finish line a quarter of a mile later (or eighth of a mile depending on the racetrack) watch for the turn out.  You will exit the track and drive very slowly to the timing slip trailer.  You will pick up your timing slip (like you pick up a Big Mac at the McDonalds drive-thru) and then head back to the staging lanes.

You will probably get about two or three practice runs.  After you’re done with all three, you will write down your dial-in on your windshield and side window with shoe polish.  If you ran three runs: 15.01, 14.90, and 14.75 seconds, respectively, I would recommend dialing-in at 14.60.  That gives you a little comfort room in case the track starts to get faster as the evening wears on.  For your first race you may go up against a car that is dialed-in at 13.90, for instance.  The two of you will stage and the lights on your side of the tree will drop 0.70 seconds prior to your competition.  You leave first and he has to play catch-up.  If either one of you leaves the starting line too early you will earn a red light and lose the race.  If either one of you goes faster than your dial-ins, that is called a “break out” and you will lose the race.  If you each leave the line clean and stay within your brackets then it is the first one across the line who will be the winner.  If the win light is on your side, celebrate, pick up your timing slip (you may use that information to change your dial-in before the next round) and head back to the staging lanes for your next race.  If the win light is on the other guy’s (or gal’s) side, head to the bathrooms to get some toilet paper and clean the shoe polish off your windshield, because you are heading home.  Yes, this is what it feels like to be a loser.  Drag racing will definitely teach you that.

But if you keep winning, you’ll keep racing, you never know, you might win the whole darn thing.

THE PEOPLE

Most drag racers I’ve raced with are just that, drag racers.  They love their sport and don’t feel the need to branch out into anything different, you know, like a corner.  Drag racers are good folks though.  They will help you learn how to stage, let you borrow some shoe polish (give it back!) and look at your timing slips and help you come up with a nice average dial-in time for your car.  Out of all of the motorsports community I would say that these guys know the most about how to get power from an engine.  Listen to these guys.  A lot of road racers could benefit from having a drag racer in the paddock dealing with the motor.

There is an old saying, Drag Racing is for fast cars and Road Racing is for fast drivers.  That’s all fine and dandy until your 21 year old ass gets left at the line by a guy in his 60s who has been drag racing the same Maverick for thirty years and can cut a light like a pro, over and over again, consistently.  You’ll learn quickly that there is a lot more to good E.T. Bracket Racing than just mashing your right foot to the floor.

GLORY

It all comes down to the win light.  When it pops on your side you feel like the man.  When it pops on the other side of the track you want to go home and kick your dog.  The end of that 1,320 foot track has two people feeling totally different emotions, one glorious, the other disappointment.  If you win race after race (round after round), and get down to the final few cars, at most tracks, you will be taking home a trophy.  How cool is that?  One night of racing and you’re bringing home some wood?  Not too shabby.  In other race series you have to compete for an entire season and win a championship just to get a sixteen dollar plastic trophy.  At the drag strip, if you win it all, you can earn a three foot trophy in one night after only paying a $15 entry fee. 

The only draw back to a big trophy is as much as we men love this kind of crap, most wives, girlfriends and moms think trophies are ridiculous.  I know you want to put that sucker over the fireplace, but it’s probably going to live in the garage next to your first grade t-ball participation trophy.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

E.T. Bracket Racing can be won with a single word: consistency.  You don’t have to be fast, you don’t need a Mustang with a $3,000 supercharger.  What you need to do is just go down the track the same every time and run your number.  Bring a slow car (one that doesn’t break traction at the line) with an automatic transmission.  A car with a five speed and a lot of horsepower is difficult to get off the line without burning up the tires.  It can be done, but done over and over again within a thousandth of a second is very tough.  A slow car with an automatic is easy to drive.  You floor the gas, let the tranny make the shifts and the win light will be on your side.

Reaction time.  Practice makes perfect here.  You can’t be asleep at the wheel at the drag strip.  Your head has to be in the game.  On a 5 tenths tree, when the tungsten begins to glow on that third yellow light -LEAVE!  If you wait for the green light, your reaction time will look like Bob Marley’s (You don’t want a reggae reaction, Mon).

Another trick up the sleeve of a good E.T. Bracket racer is braking at the end of the track.  Remember, you don’t have to be the closest to your dial-in to win the race; you just have to cross the finish line first without breaking out of your dial-in time.  So if you are way ahead of the other car at the end of the track, touch the brakes (like a little drag racing insurance policy) to make sure you don’t break out.  You’ll still cross the line first, with a guarantee you didn’t go too fast, and the win will be yours.  You get back in line for the next round and your competition drives home punching his dashboard.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is below full because a Wednesday night E.T. Bracket Race is super cheap.  It would cost more money to go watch John Force race than it would to race the same track a week later yourself.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 4,200 RPMs because competition gets your adrenaline flowing.  Obviously the faster the car you bring, the more adrenaline you can get from hard acceleration down the strip.  But E.T. Bracket racing is less about the ride down the quarter mile and more about winning the race itself.  When the win light flashes on your side, you are jacked!

MPH (Danger): The Speedometer is around 55 mph because as they said in the 70s “55 Stay Alive.”  This is very safe racing.  I’ve never seen anyone crash an E.T. Bracket car that was a dedicated street car running anything above 13’s in the quarter.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is above three quarters because you don’t need to spend all that much time and effort getting ready for an E.T. Bracket race.  Just kick the tires and light the fires.  I spent more time washing my car before a drag race than I did tuning it up.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at around 2,000 miles because you can burn up some rear tires (or front for you Honda boys) and leaving the line hard can be tough on the drive train.  I have never seen anyone driving an unmodified street car have any mechanical problems at the drag strip.  Obviously, more modifications and more power equals more chance for breakage.

E.T. Bracket Drag Racing is your chance to race head to head with another competitor and feed your need for speed while not getting the attention of Johnny Law.  Always drag race at the track and you too could be the next John Force (or Ashley Force depending on your genitalia).  So stop bench racing and telling your friends that your Mazdaspeed 3 does the quarter mile in twelve seconds (it doesn’t).  Go to the track and see what she’s got.

“Slot car racing?” you ask.  Yup.  I’m not talking about that weak ass Tyco set that ran on six C batteries that you found under the Christmas tree when you were a kid.  I’m talking about blistering fast slot cars on technical 8 lane tracks with race position telemetry and lap times as you race head to head against other racing fanatics.

What makes slot car racing really fun is the fact that you are actually racing.  This is door to door passing, full contact competition.  Driving one of these bad ass fast slot cars around a track is fun, but going into turn 1 with eight other guys is what gets your blood pumping and your competitive juices cranking.  And the best news is you can own these racing emotions for less than you paid for that billet aluminum, glow in the dark, skull shaped shift knob you installed.  You know the one that has the hidden nitrous button that you have hooked up to… well nothing.    

THE COST

Slot car racing is absolutely the cheapest motorsport I have found to date.  A race on Wednesday night at the local Hobbytown is a whopping 5 bucks, that’s less than two Coronas.  A good car will cost you around 45 bones.  With spec classes there is no need to go all Penske and spend a ton of money on slot car performance parts.  Where the cost can get a little out of control is on controllers, which is a single one-time purchase.  You can get one for about $30, but the guys who do it all the time own super adjustable controllers with brakes and external resistors which range from $150 to $300.  Slot car guys love to mess around with controllers, so my suggestion would be to get one of those fancy $300 contraptions used for about $80.

The cars hold up pretty good to a beating and they do take a heck of a beating.  After a number of slaps to the wall you will need to start replacing parts.  New motors are about $16 and bodies are about $10.  A set of tires are about $6.  Yes I said $6.  Remember that an autocross Hoosier tire for the rear of a Z06 is currently around $403 per tire.  Like I said, slot car racing is very inexpensive.

SANCTIONING BODY

The United Slot Racing Association (U.S.R.A.) runs the National Championships (www.portjeffraceway.com/usra/).  Due to the fact they have the championships many regional clubs use similar rules dealing with 1/24 scale cars.  The Northern California Slot Car Racing Association (N.C.S.C.R.A.) runs a cool statewide series which includes classes for cars with LeMans prototype bodies and/or NASCAR and NASTRUCK bodies (www.norcalscra.com).  The great group of guys who race each Wednesday night at a HobbyTown USA right around the corner from my house put together a cool website with a solid links page which will tell you everything you ever wanted to know, and some things you probably never thought about, in regards to slot car racing (www.pitstopslotcarracing.com).  Besides sprint races, clubs do endurance races with partner drivers and the nuts in Europe even run a grueling 24 hour race.  Yes, because it’s Europe, they smoke while doing it.

THE HIGH

The moment you are waiting for in slot car racing is to go into a corner neck and neck with the guy in the lane next to you.  The key here is to be on the inside lane.  In the middle of the corner squeeze the trigger and gas the car, which will kick the ass end of the car to the outside and knock your competitor out of his slot.  He goes crashing into the wall and usually ends up blocking another slot/lane where another car will come along and smash into him.  Carnage ensues while you keep going, making laps and putting a big lead on the guy you just walled.  But beware, because revenge is a bitch.  These tracks snake around the room so the guy who is on your outside in one corner, will be the guy on your inside for the next.  The point is not to be next to him, because I guarantee he’s coming for ya.

The track has eight lanes which means, based on simple geometry, some lanes are overall shorter or longer in length.  To make the racing track length even for each car, meaning no one will have a lane advantage; each driver will run every lane once, three minutes per lane.  With eight lanes, the green flag race length is 24 minutes.  The power to the track is shut off after three minutes of racing, each driver moves to the next lane, the power is turned back on and three more minutes of racing goes on.  It is a lot of fun running each lane and challenging at the same time as each lane has its own idiosyncrasies as the turn radiuses are different. 

CAR WEAR

Your street car, drag car, autocross car, hillclimb car, rallycross car or whatever you got is going to sit this one out, so car wear is excellent.  Your $45 slot car can hold up well barring how many times you run off of the back straight, fly through the air, drill the wall at the hobby store and then hit the ground.  But even if you do crash a lot, and sometimes it isn’t always your fault (just like in real car racing) the car can be repaired in most cases for a few hundred pennies.  I ran my stock spec car every Wednesday night for about three months and never did a thing to it.  Later the racer in me couldn’t help myself and I started messing with the car’s tires, body, lighter wires, gears, motors, you name it.  The end result, I burnt my fingers about ten times with a solder gun and only went slower.  I finally got smart and bought another spec car, un-modified by yours truly.

YOUR DAY

You show up at the hobby store and start bench racing.  Literally, you will set your car on a bench prior to racing.  You pay your entry fee and your car needs to be teched.  For each class they check that the motor, gearing, tire compound, body and ride height is all legit.  Keep things on the up and up as these guys will spot any Smokey-type shenanigans immediately.  They will put your name into the computer program which runs the race and announce which lane you will begin on.  Each lane is colored and you need to bring some lane stickers which are affixed to the front of your car (this will set you back 25 cents).  This way, when your car falls out of the slot (and it will) the guys working the corners can put your car back into the appropriate slot, like the one attached to your controller for that heat.  You hook up your controller with three color coded alligator clips to the power on the track for your current lane.  The power will not come on until the race starts.  You will hear a beep and you will have your controller floored for the start.  Once the power comes on the race is underway.  Three minutes of craziness and oftentimes demolition madness per heat.  Three minutes later, the power is killed and your car coasts to a stop.  Think of this as a quick pit stop.  You move to the next colored lane, hooking your controller up, and then change the lane sticker (new lane = new color) on the front of your car.  You can make minor changes to the car, like bend it straight again, pop the body back into shape or lubricate your gears.  You also want to check the live scoring, usually on a television, to see how many laps you have completed and what place you’re in.  This pit stop has to be done quickly because when the computer beeps the power to the track is turned on and the race is back in action.  You do this for eight lanes and at the end, hopefully you’ve completed more laps than anyone else.  Even if you didn’t win I’ll guarantee you had fun.

Just like autocross, after racing you have to work the track.  The next race needs corner marshals to pick up errant cars which have fallen out of the slot (somebody did if for your race, now it is time to return the favor).  To me this is stressful.  The cars are coming at you at light speed and you are trying to put a crashed car back into the slot only to have your hand nailed by a passing car.  That driver doesn’t appreciate being knocked of the track by the very guys who are supposed to help you stay on the track.  It isn’t fun, but it keeps the cost down and you can learn by watching other driver’s mistakes or heroic moves.

THE PEOPLE 

These are probably some of the nicest people in motorsports (these cars have motors, this is a sport).  They are very welcoming to newcomers.  They will let you borrow controllers, cars, lane stickers, anything to help you out.  They will help fix your car and they can solder in a motor mid-race faster than you ever thought possible.  These folks are easy going –until the race starts.  Then they’ll put you in the wall or yell at you when you are a corner marshal to put their car back on the track faster.  Hey, it’s racing, man. 

Your competitors will be a melting pot of motorsports enthusiasts.  You will be racing against eight year old kids (who will knock you off every corner), teenagers (who are very fast slot car drivers) dads who brought the slot car demolition derby eight year olds, and the largest group: the “serious slot car old farts.”  The best slot car guys are actually the old timers.  This is a sport from the sixties.  These guys grew up building their own slot tracks in their garages as kids.  Forty years later, they are still at it.  These old farts are the guys who will help you the most and they are the ones who keep the clubs and track running (something your selfish ass is too busy to do, I know because I’m the same way).

GLORY

You grind out a 24 minute race, narrowly missing all the heinous crashes while enjoying the thrill of putting your competitors into the wall and you somehow come out on top.  Great!  You’ve won.  How about a high five?  Yup, that’s about all you’re gonna get.  Some clubs pool the entry fee money and give it back to the first through third finishers.  Some of the bigger races have trophies and dash plaques.  But when it comes to true motorsports glory, I can guarantee I haven’t seen any trophy girls or champagne being sprayed at the slot track.  Come to think of it, I actually haven’t seen any girls at the slot track.  However, the hobby store does have its fair share of Dungeons and Dragons crew if that’s what you’re into.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

Two words: Make Laps.  You get there with these four other words: Stay in the slot.  You can’t win the race if your car is upside down sliding along the track being knocked around like a ping pong ball.  You have got to stay out of trouble, stay in the slot and keep the car going around the track.  It is very similar to automotive endurance racing, you have to keep the car on the track and stay out of the pits for repairs if you want to win.  Trouble will find you in slot car racing.  A guy three lanes to your inside can go in too hot, fall out of the slot and take you out.  You need to be able to see just a few seconds into the future and know when to give it up in a corner and let others crash, without crashing you.  Also, build and paint your car with speed in mind.  Having that kickass Audi RT 10 replica with the scaled plastic helmet painstakingly airbrushed just like Tom Kristensen’s looks good on the shelf, but it doesn’t go good around the track (too heavy, won’t handle).  My car is painted nothing but orange so I can recognize it (as the orange blur) as it speeds around the track.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is nearly at full because you still have money.  A PS3 and the video game Gran Turismo costs more than the set up and an entire season of slot car racing.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 2,200 RPMs which is just above idle.  You’re not going to feel torque going through your spine while slot car racing.  But it can get your blood pumping as you’re racing head to head.

MPH (Danger): The Speedometer is around 5 mph because this is very, very, very safe racing.  You will not be killed hitting a wall at 200 mph here.  Worst case scenario a car falls of the track and hits you in the face when you’re working as a corner marshal.  Maybe there is a slight chance the plastic body could give you a slight paper cut while working on the car.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is at a quarter because not much time is needed to prepare for slot car racing.  As you progress and move up to the national level, obviously you can get crazy and spend a lot of time shaving your slot car tires to the perfect gear ratio, but it isn’t necessary for some Wednesday night fun.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at around 10 miles because that’s about how many miles it will take to drive from your house to the hobby store for a race (if you’re lucky enough to live near a track).  The worst thing that will happen to your real car is a door ding in the HobbyTown USA parking lot.

In this economy, for some of us, racing has had to take a back seat.  If you don’t have the cabbage to tow the racecar to Kansas for the S.C.C.A. Solo National Championships, but you still want to race, find a local slot track and give it a try.  I’m telling you, there is some serious racing going on.  And it is on the super cheap.  Go get ‘em Speed!

So you want to get into motorsports, but the only thing in your driveway is grandma’s 1976 Buick stationwagon. You’re in luck. Knock the windows out of that bitch (the stationwagon, not your grandma) and head to the demolition derby.

Not only will you get the chance to cut off the exhaust system and enjoy the kick ass melody of an uncapped V-8, but you’ll get the chance for motorsports victory in front of a fairground stadium filled with drunk, derby fans. That’s right, you’ll be vying for glory in front of a paying and cheering crowd, try to find that at an autocross.

THE COST

Don’t need to spend a lot of money here since at the end of the event the car will be scrap metal (you might even make some money on the scrap). Entry fees are about $70 and to build the car can cost you anywhere from absolutely nothing to about a thousand dollars (if you’re the type who likes to Smokey Yunick everything you do). You’ll need a tow rig and trailer to get the heap to the event, or you can try to finagle a way to use your AAA card to convince a tow driver to get the car there.

Safety equipment is almost non-existent. Use the stock lap belt, throw a boat gas tank in the back seat and secure it down with some chain. You can use any helmet (even Snell expired versions) so leave your HANS fitted/radio equipped/carbon fiber/Troy Lee Designs airbrush painted Bell helmet at home –you’ll only scratch it. I was dumb enough to bring my fireproof driver’s suit from I/O Port Racing Supplies (www.ioportracing.com). Yeah, they called me a pansy and told me to wear a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

To set up the car, you’re going to need a friend with a welder. Buy this friend a lot of beer and keep him happy as he will be busy welding all of your car doors shut. I was lucky and had the guys at Third Street Auto Repair help me prep the car. They were the ones that suggested we weld the open differential into a solid axle (by welding the spider gears in place) for traction in the muddy arena.

SANCTIONING BODY

There are tons of sanctioning bodies in the hard hitting world of crash up derby. They seem to be organized county by county. Dutch Holland Racing Promotions (www.dutchhollandracingpromotions.net) is one in Northern California. The rules between clubs change a little, for instance most clubs have outlawed the full frame Chrysler Imperial because it is absolutely indestructible. Some clubs allow you to weld in a flat square cage at about chest height (four bars, one behind seat, one for each door and one at the firewall). Most clubs want you to chain down your hood.

THE HIGH

American’s love their automobiles second only to seeing their automobiles crashed. If the best part of NASCAR is the crashes, then skip the Fig Newton commercials and the endless yellow flag laps and just watch cars crash for an hour straight at the demolition derby. Because of the crowd there is a real adrenaline rush to crash up derbies. It’s muddy, hard hitting, smash mouth football, only with Cordobas and Monte Carlos. The engine noise is awesome, the smoke and fire is considered beautiful. When you’re in the car and you’re hitting, it’s addictive. You’ve always wanted to hit that idiot on the freeway who cut you off. The derby is your chance to see what that feels like. Note: Just in case you weren’t sure, it hurts like hell.

CAR WEAR

Junk. Absolute and total junk. Your car will definitely end its life at the demolition derby. It will not get you to the theatre to watch Fast and the Furious 7 next weekend. Most cars don’t make it through a single heat, let alone multiple events. Don’t spend too much time or money on your demo-derby ride since you won’t be using it all season long. If done right, it should last about 20-40 minutes. Best case scenario, you can keep the steering wheel and hang it on your wall when you’re done. Everything else will be a total loss.

YOUR DAY

Once you’re done welding, weld some more and then head to the local county fairgrounds. Before the event, fans will spend their day eating corndogs and throwing up on the Tilt-A-Whirl as they wait for the stadium to open up. The grandstands fill up fast as you tow your car in and pay your registration fee. You’ll sign a waiver that says you won’t sue everyone after you get hurt. You have to go through tech where they check to make sure you haven’t filled your frame with rebar in an attempt to stiffen the chassis.

There will be a driver’s meeting where they will explain the rules. The rules are no alcohol, no weapons and no fighting. Everything else is pretty much good to go. You will randomly draw a chip out of a hat which will determine which heat you’re in. You want a lucky draw for an early heat, so you have time to fix your car before the loser round or the main event. Once your heat is called, you drive out into the muddy stadium and park with your trunk facing another competitor across the arena. When the siren blows, it’s on! Hit but don’t get hit. Just like they say in boxing, “jab and move.” Stay away from the edges of the arena, you don’t want to get caught on a log or smashed into a Jersey barrier. Even though it is against the rules, you will get hit in the driver’s door and you will get pissed. Go get the guy who did it to you and hit him hard enough to fold up his hood and break his distributor.

If you’re lucky or good (or both), you’ll be one of the last three or so remaining running when the next siren sounds. If you are then you will move onto the main event. If you’re not, you have one more shot to make it into the main through the loser round, that is if you can get your car running again. If you somehow make it to the main, good luck, because that is where the real heavy hitting comes in. Money is on the line. The competition gets serious.

THE PEOPLE

These are hands down the absolute toughest people in motorsports. They crash cars into each other on purpose and most don’t even bother to wear the seatbelt while doing it. Some of the people I have competed against were either ex-bullriders, felons or oil rig workers. Some were all three. In the arena, most of these guys would like to see you impaled on their front bumper; however in the pits these guys will do anything to help you. They will weld your car and bang on it with a sludge hammer just to help get you back into the event (so they can try to impale you again). They’re gritty folk, but the kind of people you want on your side in a bar fight. Yes, there will be a bar fight after the event.

GLORY

It’s there to be had. This is a last man standing epic gladiator battle in front of a drunk, screaming crowd. Trophies go out to heat winners (as well as a piece of the purse – yes, cash is there to be won) and the main event winner gets an enormous trophy and a sizable check. Cash is king! You’re a pro driver now.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

Simple: bring a Chrysler. Use trailer tires with thick sidewalls. Weld, weld, weld, and weld some more of your car making it as solid as possible (within the rules, of course). Run HP 234 friction modifier in your motor and transmission because you will inevitably run the car with no water, no oil and at about 400 degrees at 5,000 RPMs. Metal to metal friction will end your day. Drive the car as if it was somebody else’s body inside it. Score points by hitting tires and don’t lose points by accidentally hitting a competitor’s driver’s door. You need to score enough points in the early rounds to make it to the main event, but at the same time, you have to make your car last all the way until the main event. There is a careful balance between absolute destruction and precise hitting. Believe it or not there is a real art to crashing cars.

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): Fuel gauge is just over half a tank because even though it doesn’t cost too much to do this event, it is still a lot of prep for one singe derby and you will destroy an entire automobile. Plus you’re going to need a tow rig to get your hooptie to the event. You’ll spend more than you intended.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 6,500 RPMs because when you have that uncapped V-8 screaming at redline and you smash head on into another car –you’re alive!

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is around 85 mph because, for obvious reasons, you can get hurt. I’ve seen some ugly fires, lots of minor burns from busted radiator hoses (steam is a bad thing –wrap your hoses with duct tape) and some broken arms. This ain’t no sissy sport. I walked away without any permanent scars but a pretty sore neck.

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is in the mid range because you will spend a fair amount of time prepping the car for its funeral. I spent three solid weekends building a car but only fifteen minutes destroying it.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is pegged at 999,999 miles because your car won’t see a single mile after the derby. It’s a guaranteed 44 magnum bullet to the head.

If you want to compete in a event where you can look up in the stands and see a forty-year old woman with a half shirt on, jumping up and down, screaming your car number as she spills Coors Light on the people below her, then I’ll see you at the Destruction Derby.

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