The 24 Hours of LeMons Sears Pointless race last weekend was host to 148 teams racing $500 cars. Once the checkered flag dropped on Saturday night, then the action switched from the world famous twelve turn technical road course of Infineon Raceway to a sloped four lane wooden straight track for teams racing $5 cars –pinewood derby cars.

Since Speed:Sport:Life had featured a Racer Boy story on Pinewood Derby, it only seemed right that we should represent at this event. So to prepare for the race we built three fresh cars and brought my son’s Boy Scouts of America District Champion car. Why four cars? You wouldn’t ask Penske why he brings four cars to Indy. We did it to hedge our bets, of course.

We built our #38 hero car, to look similar to our LeMon’s Acura Integra, red, sleek and lightweight. I’ll admit I got a little crazy with the Dremel on this one. We had so much Tungsten in the trunk in order to put the center mass toward the rear that we had to carve away the rest of the chassis to make the 5 ounce weight.

LeMons actually encouraged cheating in this event so we built our toxic waste delivery car, the toxic waste being 14 ounces of molten lead. To really make this car wicked fast we picked up a set of nickel plated polished axles and some crazy thin and super fast wheels from Maximum-Velocity.

A bunch of LeMons teams arrived with cars, some were decorated to match their actual racecars, some had different contraptions to attempt to make them faster. As the eliminations began all four of our cars won their first rounds.

We were feeling pretty good until the guys from the ZZ Uber team ran their first round. These guys built a remote controlled electric engine pinewood derby car. It was absolutely ingenious and was insanely fast.

Or cars were crushing the “old school” pinewood competition, especially our overweight and Maximum-Velocity wheels equipped toxic waste delivery car, but we couldn’t even touch the RC car. It was a blur as it went down the track. The car was built creatively and was perfectly executed. We’ll admit when we get out engineered and beat. They cleaned house in the pinewood race. At the end of the event they ran the car up the track backwards, using the track as a launch pad to propel the car fifteen feet through the air. You’ve never seen anything like it at a pinewood race.

“

We had to settle for not winning the pinewood race, which was fitting since the following day we finished second best in the LeMons race as well. But like Ricky Bobby’s daddy told him, second place is the first loser. Congrats to Team ZZ Uber. Outstanding ingenuity, we just wished we had thought of it too.

The nice folks at Jalopnik link to us so often, it’s the least I can do to begin this column by suggesting you watch this video over there. For those of you who don’t like watching videos, it shows a police car operating at a velocity of ninety-four miles per hour in a marked 40 zone. At around the one-minute mark, we see the police car strike a Mazda containing two teenagers. Both are killed. The police car is not running its lights, was not operating the siren, and was not even responding to an emergency.

Here’s the best (or worst) part: the officer who killed the kids, Jason Anderson, was apparently “racing” the officer whose car recorded the video, one Richard Pisani. Pisani is traveling at about 74 mph during one part of the video. In a marked 40. I cannot find any evidence that Office Pisani was in any way disciplined for his conduct. Think about that for a moment.

Perhaps most worryingly, the video shows absolutely no awareness, driving ability, or the vaunted “high-speed police training” on the part of Officer Anderson. It’s fairly obvious that the Mazda is going to cross Anderson’s path. We’re regularly told that by police departments that their officers have “special training”, but this is an accident that most solid NASA HPDE drivers could easily avoid. A modest amount of steering to the left would have saved two lives. Instead, Anderson simply drives right into the Mazda, with his car’s “black box” recording 100% accelerator pressure up to the crash. He was flat-out to the very end.

The good news is that the technology exists to prevent a tragic event such as this from ever happening again. In fact, the technology has existed for a very, very long time, and it could be easily installed on every police vehicle in the country. Let’s discuss.

I live in a little suburb outside Columbus, Ohio. My afternoon commute takes me through an even smaller suburb of perhaps five hundred residents. This suburb rigorously enforces a 40mph limit on the 1.5 miles of state highway passing through its borders, and it has at least two police-liveried Explorers with which to do so. I’m used to having my lime-green Audi S5 lit up with multiple laser shots and frustrated, angry looks from those Explorers as I cruise-control by at 38 miles per hour, not a bit more. I know that if I stray above forty I’ll be ticketed. A friend of mine got a $200-ish ticket a while ago for running his Supra by the local yokels at forty-five.

Today, as I was idling through that town, I was nearly struck head-on by one of the aforementioned police Explorers, running flat-out to catch a speeder. I’m no accurate judge of oncoming-vehicle speed (and, for that matter, neither is anyone else I’ve ever met) but I think it’s fair to say this cop was doing at least sixty, maybe seventy, and he was treating the double-yellow separating me from him with a considerable amount of disregard. It didn’t take me much mental effort to move over and avoid a collision, but it started me thinking about some basic assumptions regarding speeding and police conduct.

We can start by examining the most basic assumption regarding speeding, namely the idea that there should be such an offense. For better or worse, I’m inclined to think that some sort of speed limit is a reasonable idea. I’d like to buzz down the freeway at a buck-fifty, and I occasionally do buzz down the freeway at a buck-fifty, but I’m not certain that the current states of vehicle repair, tire inflation, driver education, and drug/alcohol/phone/boomin’-system use in this country support the idea of unlimited speed on all roads.

Now we arrive at the first contradiction in modern speeding laws: the fine-based approach. If you break a speed limit by less than thirty miles per hour in most areas, you will be fined and/or receive “points” on your license. If speeding is dangerous, and if people die from speeding, why aren’t speeders thrown in jail? Throwing old-school Jarts into a crowd is dangerous, and if you get caught doing it chances are you won’t simply be permitted to avoid criminal penalities by mailing a hundred bucks to your local mayor’s court. Why do we, as a society, treat speeding differently? Could it be a tacit recognition by the justice system pf the fact that nearly everyone exceeds the artificially low speed limits in the United States?

Of course, if you live in an area where photo radar or some other Orwellian automatic enforcement hasn’t yet become popular, you will have to receive your speeding ticket from a police officer. Unless you slow down below the posted limit upon seeing said cop and then patiently wait for him or her to arrive behind you, your pursuer will have to break the speed limit as well.

Think about that. It’s not usually necessary to murder people to catch a murderer, nor is it necessary to rape innocent bystanders to punish a rapist. If your car was stolen, you would not expect the policeman taking your report to arrive in a stolen car. And yet we generally accept the idea that a police officer will break the speed limit in order to catch speeders. Even more interestingly, we accept that it will be “necessary” to break the speed limit by considerably more than the original offender did.

Some back-of-the-envelope stuff: If a driver is doing fifty in a forty and passes a stationary cop in a P71 Crown Vic “Police Interceptor”, that cop will need at least ten seconds to pull out and accelerate to fifty miles per hour. At that point, he is at least four hundred feet behind the speeder, probably more. If he wants to catch that speeder within three or so minutes and stay within his jurisdiction, he needs to step it up to fifty-five or sixty miles per hour. He’s now doing half again the speed limit and possibly represents a greater threat to the public welfare than the original offender.

This wouldn’t be a problem if cops didn’t crash, but they do. All the time, as a matter of fact. A long time ago, I had a police firearms instructor tell me, “There are two things cops can’t do: shoot and drive.” He was right. NHTSA states that over 3,000 people have died in police chases during the past decade. In 2001, for example, 365 people were killed, including 140 who were in no way involved with the chase. For more information, check out Victims Of Police Pursuit. Many municipalities are moving to reduce high-speed chases — or eliminate them altogether.

If we, as a society, are not willing to risk innocent lives to catch bank robbers or fleeing felons, why should we endure a similar risk simply to tax motorists who are often traveling at a speed which is entirely reasonable and appropriate for the conditions? Speed limits could still be enforced through cameras, automated devices, and the old Ohio Highway Patrol standby of having a cop call ahead to another cop up the road who waves the motorist over to receive a ticket. If this increases the cost of speeding enforcement, perhaps it will inspire municipalities, and the citizens of those municipalities, to more closely consider whether their police are best serving the public by serving as roadside tax collectors.

It seems reasonable enough that police shouldn’t be allowed to drag-race down the road, endangering the public simply to write tickets. The problem then becomes: Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who will watch the watchers? How can police be prevented from endangering the public? In the long run, an OnStar-style system of GPS-based speed management could be used to ensure that police (and, come to think of it, any other person who suckles from the teat of public employment) adhere to the speed limit at all times. This is the only fair system. While I’m sure that we all like the idea of police rushing at triple digit-speeds to save us from a home invasion, that implies that the lives of crime victims are somehow more valuable than the lives being risked by police who operate vehicles at a speed beyond their capacities. If a policeman kills innocent kids through negligent speed, does the fact that he is rushing to respond to a break-in bring those kids back to life?

While we are waiting for a perfect, nationwide-capable GPS speed-enforcement mechanism to arrive, action can still be taken to save thousands of lives every decade. It’s this simple: an old-school speed governor can be installed on every cop car. The maximum speed should be set to the limit chosen by that state for two-lane highways. Simple as that. For most states, that limit is fifty-five miles per hour.

As fate would have it, the Connecticut State Senator for Milford recently opined that a broad increase in requirements and penalties for teenaged drivers would be justified “if it saves one life.” I don’t know if changing the curfew for teen drivers from midnight to eleven p.m. will save any lives, but I’m pretty sure that governing the Milford Police’s cruisers to fifty-five would have saved two lives. Those lives have names: Ashlie Krakowski and David Servin.

We here at S:S:L have always been huge fans of the Corvette Z06 and have said that the Z06 is the best track car of the entire Corvette lineup.  The folks at Chevy have taken an already incredible track car and made it even better with the 2011 Corvette Z06 Carbon Limited Edition.  Limited to just 500 units, the Z06 Carbon is sure to sell out quickly to both track junkies and collectors alike.

To improve on the standard Z06, Chevy has fitted the Z06 Carbon with Brembo carbon ceramic brakes (first seen on the ZR1), black 20-spoke wheels, magnetic selective ride control, and enhanced cooling.  The Z06 Carbon also features black headlight buckets and mirrors, a ZR1 style rear spoiler, carbon fiber hood, and carbon fiber splitter/rockers. 

If you aren’t one of the lucky 500 to pick up a Z06 Carbon, Chevy will be offering the Z07 performance package on the standard Z06 which includes all the upgraded mechanical goodies that the Z06 Carbon has.  The carbon fiber goodies will be available through the optional CFZ package.

No pricing has been announced yet, but deliveries are expected to begin this summer.

[View with PicLens]

 

As first gigs go, it wasn’t that bad. From his secret lair beneath a hollowed-out volcano, SSL’s notorious Jack Baruth asked me to head to Las Vegas for a weekend. As a lifelong oval-track fan, I was on the plane before he had a chance to change his mind and send me to a minivan “first drive” instead. The trip didn’t disappoint; I had a chance to watch Kevin Harvick hammer out his thirty-fifth career Nationwide Series win, I saw and met a variety of celebrities of the NASCAR and non-NASCAR variety (see above photo) and I also attended a presentation on the new Pennzoil Ultra “full synthetic” motor oil.

The definition of “full synthetic” in the US is complex enough to rate its own Wikipedia page (and here it is) but all the information we could find indicates that Ultra is, in some or possibly all blends, a “Group III” synthetic. This means that, strictly speaking, it’s not a head-to-head Mobil 1 competitor. Ferrari has chosen the oil for factory fill, as Porsche did with Mobil 1 some time ago. However, oil formulations differ across national borders, so this doesn’t necessarily mean that the Pennzoil Ultra sitting on your AutoZone’s shelf is exactly the same stuff that is being poured into the 458 Italia.

The most interesting thing about Ultra, from my perspective, isn’t the Ferrari endorsement or the admittedly handsome packaging. Rather, it’s the explicit claim that the use of Ultra can prevent sludge formation and significantly clean existing sludge from engines. They’ve backed this testing with numbers, one oil-forum wonk to state that

“They improved the deposit control and improved the detergent system while retaining the very good Seq IVA performance. Throw in API SN and a Tbn of 13, and I think it’s an impressive oil. At least on paper. Specifications met are a good indication of quality. This oil has quality written all over it.”

As soon as we figure out what that means, we’ll let you know.

If something like this is sitting in your engine, chances are you have problems.

There was a time when “oil sludge” was considered to be equivalent to “muffler bearings”: something unethical mechanics told credulous customers about in order to empty their pockets of any loose change. No longer. Toyota has big sludge problems and has been forced to admit it. Volkswagen and Audi have also experienced similar issues. In an era where people expect their engines to last well beyond 100,000 miles with no special maintenance, oil sludge issues are haunting manufacturers and drivers. Pennzoil believes their Ultra can remove existing sludge, and they are handing out the results of rather specialized tests to anyone who asks.

The implications of this marketing strategy — that an oil manufacturer is targeting a product at drivers who inadvertently purchased a sludge-prone engine, or think they might be at risk — bear thinking about. As modern cars show more and more evidence of fundamental cost-cutting more and more drivers will be looking to the aftermarket to fix some of the engineering and manufacturing shortcuts taken in the name of profitability. For a long time, the self-performed oil change has been the province of the “car guy”, but how many “car guys” own four-cylinder Camrys?

I’ll go out on a limb and predict success for Ultra. It’s probably the right target at the right time. Regrettably, here at SSL we don’t own any Ferraris, and Jack’s infamous Neon racers all use Quaker State zero-weight, special-purpose racing oil, but this Ultra might be just the ticket for a front-running Lemons racer. Does anybody out there want to put a little Ferrari in their Solara?

Full Disclosure as required by the lovely FTC: This trip was sponsored by Pennzoil, however all opinions are solely those of the author.

Krider Racing/Speed:Sport:Life wins the “good class” at the 24 Hours of LeMons at Infineon raceway this weekend in their Big Sausage Pizza Delivery themed Acura Integra.

The team endured a flat tire, a broken half shaft, a leaking battery, knocking the front bumper off after hitting a tire wall, a bad ignition system and a black flag for going three wide into turn one and knocking the mirror off a competitor’s car “Whoops! Sorry…” and somehow after all of that, and out of an unheard of 147 competitors, the team won their class and finished second overall.

This was accomplished by the unselfish and endless help of the Krider Racing crew who replaced a half shaft in less than three minutes and spent the entire weekend in Nomex driver suits that smelled like gasoline. The Team (Rob Krider, Randy Krider, Steve Kuhtz, Keith Kramer, Rob Diehl and AJ Gracy) would like to thank: Tim Jackley, Swayne Mason, John and Amanda Haeberle, Ryan Hackett, Dan “Gadget” Bordeau, Dan Olguin, Anna Kaufman, Lori Carter, Tim Persico, John Linbarger, Sara, Gus, Jim, Chris, Dina, Nissa, Natasha and Addy Krider, Allison Malone, Rod and Judy Kramer, and Rachel Kuhtz. Without their help the team would have finished in 140th place. You guys are the best!

And I can’t forget the sponsors who kept us vying for the lead all weekend, Atomic Speedware, Carbotech Brake Pads, Capital City Motorsports, T.E.M. Machine Shop, I/O Port Racing Supplies, Figstone Graphics, ST Suspensions, Performance In-Frame Tuning, Piloti driving shoes, HP 234, Circuit Sports, Racing WFO, Car Domain, Bay Ex, Napa Valley Muffler, B&G Tires, Miracle Auto Body and Paint, Napa Valley Transmissions, Bottlers Unlimited, Economy Stock Feed, Kuhtz Diehl Insurance and Financial Services, C.J. Fix Co., and, of course, Speed:Sport:Life.

Krider Racing/Speed:Sport:Life finished the first day of the 24 Hours of LeMons Infineon in second place out of 147 entries. The team POS FedEx (F’edUp) themed BMW is one lap ahead of the Big Sausage Pizza Delivery themed car with eight more hours of racing to go tomorrow. Krider Racing has to thank I/O Port Racing Supplies, Atomic Speedware, Carbotech Brakes, and ST Suspensions for a great running car.

We’ll give you updates on the event at Speed:Sport:Life as the results come in.

Photography by Allison Shea Malone

Krider Racing, aka Big Sausage Pizza Delivery, is busy delivering pizzas to the other LeMons teams tonight as “tech inspection day” came to a close at the 24 Hours of LeMons at Infineon Raceway this weekend.

The last LeMons event the Big Sausage Acura competed in resulted in a roll-over crash on the last lap. They rebuilt the car with a little help from I/O Port Racing Supplies.

Since the team technically didn’t “deliver” in 24 hours or less, they decided to bring free pizzas to other teams. Fazerrati’s Pizza was kind enough to donate some round dough and the team got to work delivering pizzas to other LeMons competitors and the judges (which resulted in a zero lap penalty, which is nice). The team name is now, Big Sausage Pizza (and rolls) Delivery. The team is planning on passing out cinimon rolls tomorrow. Speed:Sport:Life will bring you live coverage of the race as it unfolds.

When we last met, I was enraged about the diffidence with which Volkswagen has treated its New Beetle. Kindly note that, since the publication of Dub Chick Be Trippin’, Tracy Morgan’s been profiled in several glossies. It seems that though my perception might have been the harshest, I’m certainly not alone.

But that’s ancient history. It was before the Chicago Auto Show media preview, anyway, at which I was reassured that really, not much has changed with VW. Whether I attend several auto shows a year or just one, it’ll feel as if I never left.

The New Beetles were holding court at opposite sides of the show floor, proud like Wilbur, the radiant piglet, pre-bacon revelation. The ‘10 Red Rock Edition: distinct red, black roof. The ‘10 Final Edition Convertible: rather pretty, light blue with cream, capturing the prized retro aesthetic quite well. The Final Edition Coupe and Convertible were introduced at the LA Auto Show, concurrent with VW officially pulling the plug on the Beetle. I was soothed, in a morbid kind of way, to witness an appearance in Chicago.

Paradoxically, the term “special edition” seems to go against everything VW stands for, implying that some specimens off the same production line are better than others and should, therefore, be purchased as quickly as possible before availability expires. It was in response to consumer demand, however, that VW released the ‘02 337 Edition and ‘03 20th Anniversary Edition Golf GTIs, which (to the layman) featured little more than spruced-up interiors, bigger wheels, and in the case of the 20th Anniversary, an exclusive selection of Audi-sourced exterior finishes. Each bore an aluminum number plate to indicate its place in the production queue. Though they’re “just” extra-tarted-up Golfs, they still carry a premium in their niche market and are discussed endlessly in certain circles.

Most of the time, though, the move just reeks of desperation, like in the case of VW’s third-gen Jetta and Golf special editions, identified as such by heinous (and rare) cloth seats. Many car manufacturers run special editions to use up stock of premium parts or generate interest in a stagnant model. I don’t think that’s exactly the case here, but the numbers tell a different story: the New Beetle’s 13-year run was spiced up by an average of two special editions per model year.

It was particularly suited to this trick, or, depending on your perspective, beholden to this life support. Largely unchanged since its 1998 introduction (save a few minor facelifts and drivetrain upgrades concurrent with VW’s lineup) a kicky new color combination a couple times a year was enough to to justify a press release, perhaps a couple print ads, and a prime spot on the showroom floor. And some of them were pretty freakin’ cool. Who else remembers the 225 hp, 6-speed, $58k (U.S. equivalent) Mexico-issue Beetle RSi, with a build run of 250? A race-inspired Beetle. Yep. Like, really race inspired.

As I wrote in the previously-mentioned Rational Bohemian #6, I want to make clear: I’m not criticizing VW for the New Beetle’s life. Rather, I take issue with its undignified death. At the very least, the car deserves a really damned heartfelt thank-you. At best, well, a Sexual Favors Edition wouldn’t be as inappropriate as it sounds. Perhaps special editions worked well because they brought an idiosyncratic feel to a ubiquitous car. VW’s abandoned the pretense of the people’s car, and thus, the New Beetle’s time has come. I guess that’s why it falls on me to write the eulogy.

“You of countless cheerful colors, spirit-lifting commercials, hippies reliving the glory days in the newfound comfort of regular paychecks. Your J Mays-designed bubbliness and famous greens inspired The Onion’s fictional columnist, Jim Anchower, to refer to you as ‘globs of snot’ flying around. You inspired me to put a flower vase on the dashboard of my GTI. You came along, and VW actually had to pick itself up by the bootstraps and put forth some effort, because people were suddenly paying attention.

Though recognized worldwide, the silhouette alone betrayed none of the charm of the countless special editions; it was a blank slate, and countries across the globe have their own treatments (such as Mexico’s cheeky HotWheels Edition). A short history of the most notable, and how they changed Volkswagen of America.

In 2000, VW used the Reflex Yellow and Vapor Blue editions to test the Internet’s sales potential. These eye-catching colors were flaunted on TV, but could only be ordered online, a process that, then, was nearly unheard of.

2002 saw the release of the Color Concepts: Snap Orange, Double Yellow and Cyber Green, marked by a whip of color-matched upholstery stitching inside and coordinating wheel inserts outside.

A year later, VW brought forth the ChromaFlares: two lovely flip-flop finishes, turquoise to lilac and silver to green, inspired by expensive custom paint jobs and so rare that a sighting still justifies a double take. By far, they were the most outrageous exteriors in the lineup. Coincidentally, at about this point, the VW family paint palette took a turn toward the dull side. By and large, from the mid-2000s forward, bright colors were a New Beetle exclusive.

Remember when factory satellite radio wasn’t yet a basic expectation? It was 2004, and we had the Satellite Edition Beetle, more notable for its sparkly exterior than its audio, modern despite being so thoroughly teal.

2005’s Dark Flint Convertible fit much better with the aesthetic of VW’s grown-up sedans. The exterior was anthracite, the interior had red accents, and the top was deep cabernet. A bit too brooding, but beautiful nevertheless. VW went lighter from there on: the throwback Triple White Convertible in 2007, followed by the Coupe in ‘08. In case the creamy white interior, exterior and top were too wholesome, the Coupe was released alongside a Black Tie Edition.

Drive forth, friend; the Final Edition finish makes fine burial garb.”

Anyone who spends enough time on The Car Lounge has doubtlessly seen numerous threads and posts with all manner of Volkswagens, Subarus, Hondas and (ugh) Miatas with improbably low ride heights, low offset BBS RS wheels in all colours of the Popsicle rainbow, roof racks and even rusted body parts.

The “stance” movement is the biggest thing going for people who seek validation from anonymous automotive forum members, though I have yet to really see a car like this in person. Maybe it will fly in California, but in Toronto, with roads like the surface of the Moon and 6 months of snow, this style is impractical if not unfeasible.

Hellaflush, the vanguard of this subculture, has popularized the war cry of “offset is everything”. The look is miles ahead of the Wings West and JC Whitney aesthetic that was popular for most of the last decade, and has its own appeal. The visual symmetry of a flush fitting wheel is pleasing, and the low ride height and lack of any adornments to the bodywork is aggressive, muscular and simple, a sort of pumped up automotive Bauhaus.

While the Bauhaus was an intellectual, as well as an aesthetic movement, seeking to embody Communist principles by designing minimalist housing for the working class, the aspirations of the stance movement is much more vacuous. Its sole aim is to “look dope”.

People are quick to point fingers at the Volkswagen crowd for this trend, but I can remember far back to the early 2000’s, before drifting was on the radar of most of America, a time when I truly believed that the Nissan 240SX was the answer to all automotive questions, if not one of the best cars ever made. The trend among drifters Japan (aka The Gospel according to Christ himself) was to have a low-riding car with low offset, wide wheels, pulled fenders (flares and body kits were not in style yet) and excessive negative camber, all of which was done in the name of easily breaking traction and then holding the slide.

Setting up a car for drifting is usually ass-backwards to what actually makes a car handle. Still, it has managed to permeate the collective consciousness of young car enthusiasts, who are unaware that buying coilovers with absurdly stiff springs doesn’t actually make a car handle well, but rather masks the deficiencies of a poorly designed car. Seeing 240SXs, AE86 Corollas and other RWD Japanese cars outfitted this way became the norm, and they added a certain panache to the otherwise boring, derivative designs penned by salarymen stylists. When drifting blew up, the look became widespread among all cars, even front wheel drive vehicles that had no business wearing a wheel that had an offset close to zero.

Even more offensive are the rusted hoods and corroded body panels present on some cars, serving as the pre-ripped and distressed jeans of the automotive world. As someone who lives in a snowy climate and is Woody Allen-neurotic about keeping the salt off his car, this trend offends me to no end. It’s easy for it to be co-opted by hard parking West Coast lamers when you don’t have to deal with the horrors of body work or road salt. I would gladly trade someone a rusty, snow belt car for a clean shell from an arid climate, but rust bubbles and oxidization don’t have the ironic, intentionally impoverished cachet that a fender doused in turpentine does.

By far the worst spill-over of this effluent is on the Miata forums – but mostly confined to a certain board I won’t name. While it is a refuge from the stifling dogma of chrome rings and racing stripes on Miata.net, the technical knowledge in the suspension section extends to “Lower it!”, “Slam it” or “weak offset bro”. Seeing people simultaneously praise the handling of a Miata and then post an example with a “nice stance” is something that makes me laugh. The Miata’s biggest flaw is the lack of suspension travel, and lowering the car exacerbates the problem.

I have no problem when this trend if it’s confined to cars that are irredeemable garbage (like the MKIV Golf/Jetta, Toyota Corolla etc), but the Miata’s sole quality is its wonderful handling. Below a certain ride height and beyond a certain offset, the geometry of the suspension and steering goes out the window, and the car rides like a bag of sloppy dicks. Even my friend Haig, whose car is plastered all over the internet as an example of a “dope Roadster” (and it is gorgeous) admits that his car handles and rides much better when raised to a fairly normal ride height of 13″.

The Stance movement is symbolic for our collective superficiality, desiring not what works well or brings us enjoyment, but what looks good standing still in a magazine. Slamming the car and throwing on a new set of wheels is something that can easily be bragged about on forums, you can take pictures of it and broadcast it to the world and enjoy the affirmation from a tribe of like-minded people whose automotive raison d’etre is to have the lowest car and the deepest wheels, and then go to gatherings to talk about it.

But the movement is also egalitarian, and that might be its strongest appeal. You need to mechanical know-how to do any of this, just enough money to buy some rims, rent a fender roller, and whatever crap coilovers you can find on Ebay that will drop your car to the ground. If there’s anything left, add a roof rack. Where else could anyone consider a Corolla as “dope” while keeping a straight face. You don’t even need to be a good driver, because most of the time your car is parked. Of course, pretending you’re hard and making a video of your car crawling along at a snail’s pace is essential.

On the other hand, it’s hard to take pictures at a track day, although you might be able to take a boring in-car video with the right equipment. Your new swaybars, tires or alignment isn’t going to impress anyone. Most of the “cool mods” you can do to a given car makes it ineligible for most timed amateur competitions. Figuring out a proper setup for your car takes time, effort, maybe a bit of math. Quite often, you’ll find that cool Japanese parts are actually crap, and the boring, off-the-shelf stuff from the Tire Rack is usually more than adequate.

“Go fast, or suck” is a maxim often thrown around on the Miata.net message boards. What will you do?

You want to get involved in some sort of motorsports but you’re dead broke and the car you’re driving has 90 horsepower on a good day, and that’s downhill. You’re in luck! There is an event perfect for you. Enter a Coursemarker/Gimmick Rallye, where the challenge isn’t who has the best ride, but who has the best mind. Coursemarker/Gimmick rallyes are events where a driver and a navigator use a set of instructions to drive through a predetermined course on public roads. The instructions are littered with gimmicks to trick teams into driving on the “incorrect” course as opposed to the “correct” one where points are gained by finding coursemarkers. These coursemarkers may give you more instructions (and possibly more gimmicks) along the rallye. First one to the finish line is usually the loser. There is no speed component to gimmick rallyes. It’s like ole Wyatt Earp said, “Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything.”

THE COST

To run coursemarker/gimmick rallyes you don’t need an expensive helmet, or a fully prepped racecar. There are no $1,000 entry fees to put up or a fresh set of tires to buy (and destroy in a single day). These events are run on public roads in everyday street cars. This is probably the least expensive motorsport in existence. The entry fees are between $15 and $25 and all you need to compete is a pencil, a clipboard, and any means of transportation (yes, your Mom’s Camry will suffice). You also don’t need to spend an entire week in the garage busting knuckles to prepare for the rallye. Clean your windshield, sharpen your pencil and drive to the event. It’s as simple as that. Just for entering the rallye you will get a dash plaque to prove to your friends back at school, you’re a rally driving bad ass (well, not exactly).

SANCTIONING BODY

Your geographic location will determine the sanctioning body for your area. In Northern California The Rallye Club and the El Dorado Touring Club both put on monthly rallyes. The Sports Car Club of America (SCCA) runs rallys in some of their regions and doesn’t bother in others. A lot of the SCCA rallys are time and distance based rallys (which we will cover in a future Racer Boy). Regardless of where you live, chances are there is a club running rallys (or rallyes depending on who you ask) nearby. The hard part is finding these clubs. They don’t tend to advertise much and locating these events can be sometimes difficult. Start with Google and harass the next guy you see in the grocery store parking lot driving a Mini Cooper with a lot of lights hanging on the front.

Each club brings their own flair to every rallye. The guys at the El Dorado Touring Club pride themselves in really putting on an “event” that participants are excited to be a part of. Their trophies and dash plaques are second to none. Their website has a sample rallye to help you get the grasp of what it means to participate in one of these events.

THE HIGH

Coursemarker/Gimmick rallyes are not the place to go to grab a burst of adrenaline. This is not stage rallying, where you drift a car at eighty miles an hour between two Redwood trees. This is driving 25 miles an hour (lost) looking for coursemarkers stapled to telephone poles. However, the competition portion of the event is still fun and if you like the idea of beating the guys you are running against, your adrenaline may start to pump while you’re waiting for your name to be called during the trophy presentation.

CAR WEAR

The biggest thing you have to worry about regarding car wear in a coursemarker/gimmick rallye is spilling your coffee. Or maybe worse, your navigator takes a highlighter and nicks the passenger door interior panel leaving a little pink stripe. This is a street legal, no-speed contest event. Your car has a better chance of getting damaged sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot than it does running a coursemarker/gimmick rallye. The only wear and tear on your car will the be the tank of gas you use driving around endlessly in circles.

YOUR DAY

Rallyes are easy events to attend. Grab a navigator, fill up the car with petrol and head to the rallye. I suggest getting to registration as early as possible. Once you arrive, you will pay your entry fees and get a set of General Instructions, Route Instructions, Supplemental Instructions and a Score Sheet. It is a lot to read and you will want to sit in your car and read it all carefully at least five times. Highlight things of importance in the instructions to help you remember it later in the rallye. If you see something in the instructions that is confusing or doesn’t make sense you are allowed to ask the Rallye Master (the guy who wrote the event) questions. He will try to help you as much as possible, without giving away too many of the gimmicks at the same time. There will be a “First Timer/Beginner” class/driver’s meeting that you will definitely want to attend. At this meeting they will explain how the rallye is run and probably throw a few of the gimmicks your way for some easy points. They will show you what coursemarkers look like and explain how to fill in your score sheet. Once you’ve read the instructions and you and your navigator feel as if you guys are ready, use the Route Instructions and head out on course.

This is where the gimmicks really start to play havoc on your day. Here is an example of a gimmick you might run across. Your Route Instructions tell you to make an L at Parkar. Your General Instructions define L as “a turn to the left.” As you drive down the street your navigator says he sees the sign for Parkar. The only problem is the sign actually says “Parker” –the spelling is different. If you chose not to turn on Parker you will find a coursemarker up the road a bit, which will give you points and Supplemental Instructions to delete the incorrect Route Instruction, make a U-turn and then turn right at your first opportunity. This will put all of the rallyists on the same course, those who mistakenly turned on Parker when they shouldn’t have and those who got it right and scored the couresmarker. Sounds easy? That’s about as easy at is gets.

As you continue on course, eventually you will run across a checkpoint sign where you are required to come in. At the checkpoint you may get more instructions, sometimes these instructions are hidden inside candy wrappers or inconspicuously printed on the back of pages. Sometimes the rallye staff will have you do a wacky stunt at the checkpoint for a tie breaker; flip coins, bean bag toss, putt golf balls, it could be anything (and its usually related to the rallye). Once you’re finished, you leave the checkpoint and head back onto the rallye course.

Your new instructions that you got at the checkpoint might be something that seems obvious but it actually has a hidden meaning. For instance the instruction may say, “Just a reminder: During the rallye obey the Vehicle Code, all laws, and to keep our club running rallyes please don’t take any chances while out there on the roads.” It seems like a reasonable reminder to the drivers at face value -don’t mess around and screw things up for everyone else. Then a few minutes later you may be traveling down a road and your Route Intructions say “L first chance.” Some people will make a left at the first opportunity, but because the instruction said “don’t take any chances” you shouldn’t make the left turn. Going straight will take you to another coursemarker. Rallyes are filled with these sorts of gimmicks and tricks, some easy, some more advanced. The good news is regardless if you are on the “right” track or not, after approximately 3 hours the instructions will lead you to the finish.

The finish is usually at a pizza place where you turn in your Score Sheet (and cross your fingers). You will get the answers to the rallye, called a Critique, and see how many times you have been duped. After all of the scores have been tallied by the rallye personnel its trophy time!

THE PEOPLE

Coursemarker/Gimmick rallyists are the Dungeons and Dragons set of the motorsports world. That’s not an insult, it just means these folks are smart. Rallyes are huge logic problems set across an entire city, requiring critical thinking skills and precise reading comprehension. If you think your vintage Datsun 240 Z with the Panasport wheels and the cool Hella rallye lights on the hood is going to give you an advantage, you’re wrong. Two old guys with beards driving a Volkswagen Vanagon are going to kick your ass. The nice part about rallyes is after the scores have been tallied, the old guys will tell you “how” they did it and you’ll get to learn from their years of experience.

GLORY

You won’t be sprayed with champagne or kissed by Ms. North Carolina after winning a coursemarker/gimmick rallye but you will be rewarded with dash plaques and trophies. Some clubs have yearly points systems and championships. A lot of the fun of the rallye is hanging out at the pizza place afterward, reading the critique of the rallye (the answers) and bench racing with your competitors.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

The great part about coursemarker/gimmick rallyes is they have classes set up so that a large pool of people have a shot to win their own class at the event (and pick up a first place trophy). First Timers only compete against other First Timers, same for Beginners, Novices, etcetera all the way up to Master Experts. But even to win the First Timer class you need to do what Yoda said, “Unlearn what you have learned.” What that means is the “reality” of the rallye you are running is outlined in the General Instructions. Those instructions are to be followed precisely. If the General Instructions say “The rallye will not cross any bodies of water,” and you come to a bridge, you need to make a U-turn. And even sneakier, if you come to “Pacific Street” you’ll want to make another U-turn. Both of those U-turns will put you in a position to find a coursemarker and earn points. If you pay attention to detail, read everything as literally as possible you might stay on the right course, earning a respectable score and have a shot for a class win.

To prepare for a rallye, have a large clipboard, lots of highlighters and scotch tape for putting notes on the dashboard as reminders like “Don’t cross water!” If your rallye is run at night you’re going to want good interior lights in the car and nice spot light to search for coursemarkers. And last but not least, start with a full tank of gas and pee before you leave, the rallye route won’t always bring you to a gas station (we found this out the hard way).

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is full because this event will cost you less than taking your girlfriend to the movies. You won’t find a cheaper motorsport anywhere, even the Pinewood Derby is more expensive.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is around idle because during most of the rallye that is what you’re doing, idling and re-reading the rallye General Instructions (again) trying to figure out why you’re lost (again). This isn’t a fast paced adrenaline type of motorsport.

MPH (Danger): The speedometer is around 25 miles per hour because your biggest concern during the rallye is getting lead poisoning from the navigator’s pencil. Most of the rallye is run at about 25 miles per hour. This is a very safe event to be a part of. Take the kids!

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is maxed out because this event won’t take much time. No real preparation is needed, just arrive, drive and eat pizza. The whole thing will probably take 6 hours. I’ve spent more time changing the oil on an MGB.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at 60 miles because that would be the longest distance you would possibly drive in a coursemarker/gimmick rallye. The only thing that might wear on your car will be the reverse synchro from making fifty U-turns.

CHECKERED FLAG

A coursemarker/gimmick rallye is a really fun event to run. Show up prepared to be entertained by the rallye personnel and look forward to being “tricked” a few times. It’s easy on the car and the pocket book, and it’s something you can do with friends or your kids. If you’re looking to get involved in some sort of sanctioned event, but have never made the “jump” to participating in anything with your car, this is a great place to start. And don’t forget “R” means “Right” except when it doesn’t, and sometimes it won’t. Confused? I was too. See you at the Rallye!