The 24 Hours of LeMons Sears Pointless race last weekend was host to 148 teams racing $500 cars. Once the checkered flag dropped on Saturday night, then the action switched from the world famous twelve turn technical road course of Infineon Raceway to a sloped four lane wooden straight track for teams racing $5 cars –pinewood derby cars.

Since Speed:Sport:Life had featured a Racer Boy story on Pinewood Derby, it only seemed right that we should represent at this event. So to prepare for the race we built three fresh cars and brought my son’s Boy Scouts of America District Champion car. Why four cars? You wouldn’t ask Penske why he brings four cars to Indy. We did it to hedge our bets, of course.

We built our #38 hero car, to look similar to our LeMon’s Acura Integra, red, sleek and lightweight. I’ll admit I got a little crazy with the Dremel on this one. We had so much Tungsten in the trunk in order to put the center mass toward the rear that we had to carve away the rest of the chassis to make the 5 ounce weight.

LeMons actually encouraged cheating in this event so we built our toxic waste delivery car, the toxic waste being 14 ounces of molten lead. To really make this car wicked fast we picked up a set of nickel plated polished axles and some crazy thin and super fast wheels from Maximum-Velocity.

A bunch of LeMons teams arrived with cars, some were decorated to match their actual racecars, some had different contraptions to attempt to make them faster. As the eliminations began all four of our cars won their first rounds.

We were feeling pretty good until the guys from the ZZ Uber team ran their first round. These guys built a remote controlled electric engine pinewood derby car. It was absolutely ingenious and was insanely fast.

Or cars were crushing the “old school” pinewood competition, especially our overweight and Maximum-Velocity wheels equipped toxic waste delivery car, but we couldn’t even touch the RC car. It was a blur as it went down the track. The car was built creatively and was perfectly executed. We’ll admit when we get out engineered and beat. They cleaned house in the pinewood race. At the end of the event they ran the car up the track backwards, using the track as a launch pad to propel the car fifteen feet through the air. You’ve never seen anything like it at a pinewood race.

“

We had to settle for not winning the pinewood race, which was fitting since the following day we finished second best in the LeMons race as well. But like Ricky Bobby’s daddy told him, second place is the first loser. Congrats to Team ZZ Uber. Outstanding ingenuity, we just wished we had thought of it too.

Krider Racing/Speed:Sport:Life wins the “good class” at the 24 Hours of LeMons at Infineon raceway this weekend in their Big Sausage Pizza Delivery themed Acura Integra.

The team endured a flat tire, a broken half shaft, a leaking battery, knocking the front bumper off after hitting a tire wall, a bad ignition system and a black flag for going three wide into turn one and knocking the mirror off a competitor’s car “Whoops! Sorry…” and somehow after all of that, and out of an unheard of 147 competitors, the team won their class and finished second overall.

This was accomplished by the unselfish and endless help of the Krider Racing crew who replaced a half shaft in less than three minutes and spent the entire weekend in Nomex driver suits that smelled like gasoline. The Team (Rob Krider, Randy Krider, Steve Kuhtz, Keith Kramer, Rob Diehl and AJ Gracy) would like to thank: Tim Jackley, Swayne Mason, John and Amanda Haeberle, Ryan Hackett, Dan “Gadget” Bordeau, Dan Olguin, Anna Kaufman, Lori Carter, Tim Persico, John Linbarger, Sara, Gus, Jim, Chris, Dina, Nissa, Natasha and Addy Krider, Allison Malone, Rod and Judy Kramer, and Rachel Kuhtz. Without their help the team would have finished in 140th place. You guys are the best!

And I can’t forget the sponsors who kept us vying for the lead all weekend, Atomic Speedware, Carbotech Brake Pads, Capital City Motorsports, T.E.M. Machine Shop, I/O Port Racing Supplies, Figstone Graphics, ST Suspensions, Performance In-Frame Tuning, Piloti driving shoes, HP 234, Circuit Sports, Racing WFO, Car Domain, Bay Ex, Napa Valley Muffler, B&G Tires, Miracle Auto Body and Paint, Napa Valley Transmissions, Bottlers Unlimited, Economy Stock Feed, Kuhtz Diehl Insurance and Financial Services, C.J. Fix Co., and, of course, Speed:Sport:Life.

Krider Racing/Speed:Sport:Life finished the first day of the 24 Hours of LeMons Infineon in second place out of 147 entries. The team POS FedEx (F’edUp) themed BMW is one lap ahead of the Big Sausage Pizza Delivery themed car with eight more hours of racing to go tomorrow. Krider Racing has to thank I/O Port Racing Supplies, Atomic Speedware, Carbotech Brakes, and ST Suspensions for a great running car.

We’ll give you updates on the event at Speed:Sport:Life as the results come in.

Photography by Allison Shea Malone

Krider Racing, aka Big Sausage Pizza Delivery, is busy delivering pizzas to the other LeMons teams tonight as “tech inspection day” came to a close at the 24 Hours of LeMons at Infineon Raceway this weekend.

The last LeMons event the Big Sausage Acura competed in resulted in a roll-over crash on the last lap. They rebuilt the car with a little help from I/O Port Racing Supplies.

Since the team technically didn’t “deliver” in 24 hours or less, they decided to bring free pizzas to other teams. Fazerrati’s Pizza was kind enough to donate some round dough and the team got to work delivering pizzas to other LeMons competitors and the judges (which resulted in a zero lap penalty, which is nice). The team name is now, Big Sausage Pizza (and rolls) Delivery. The team is planning on passing out cinimon rolls tomorrow. Speed:Sport:Life will bring you live coverage of the race as it unfolds.

Breaking News: 24 Hours of LeMons chief perpetrator, Jay Lamm, announced that Reno-Fernley Raceway will sadly be closing its doors which means the 24 Hours of LeMons event scheduled for May 8-9, 2010, with the “real” 24 hour race format will be cancelled.  The good news for crap car race teams is that the event will be moved to Thunderhill Raceway Park in Willows, California, on the same weekend, however, there will be no nighttime racing so the event will not have the true 24 hour format like Le Mans in France. 

This is a huge disappointment for most California LeMons teams who have been waiting to run a “real” 24 race but haven’t had the chance on the left coast.  But don’t fret, ChumpCar World Series is running a true 24 hour race format at Willow Springs International Motorsports Park in Southern California, January 30-31, 2010.  The race begins at noon on Saturday and ends at noon on Sunday.  What happens in between with a field of $500 cars, is anyone’s guess.

Entry deadline for the event is January 2, 2010.  Go to www.chumpcar.com for more details.

You’ve read about it in all the car magazines and you’ve been to the 24 Hours of LeMons website a hundred times, obsessively pouring over the rules.  It’s the endurance road racing series for $500 cars.  You’ve commented on numerous forums that “someday, if you can get a team together, you want to do LeMons.”  You even went as far as e-mailing the Chief Perpetrator of LeMons, Jay Lamm, and bothered him with some stupid question regarding the current market price of your Mom’s 2001 Camry (he told you to read the rules again, the car isn’t worth $500).  Stop blowing bench racing smoke up everybody’s ass.  Find a piece of crap car (that runs unlike a piece of crap), make four new friends (one with money, one who can weld, one who can fix motors and one who has a car trailer) and get yourself to the biggest thing happening in the world of motorsports.  The 24 Hours of LeMons is absolutely the coolest thing you will ever do in an automobile (excluding, of course, things that happen in the backseats of automobiles).   

THE COST

I am going to be straight with you here.  The idea and premise of the 24 Hours of LeMons -racing a car worth $500, is very enticing to most grassroots amateur car folks.  If five guys split the costs evenly, that’s only like $100 a piece, right?  Wrong.  This $500 car race is a very slippery slope for your wallet.  What seems like a cheap way to get into wheel to wheel car racing isn’t all that cheap.  There is actually nothing $500 about this race.  The entry fee alone for a team of five drivers is a cool $1,000.  The car can only be worth $500 before the car’s safety equipment (roll cage, seat, seat brace, five point harness, roll bar padding, cut-off switch, fire extinguisher: $1,600-$3000), your personal safety equipment (Snell rated helmet, neck restraint, gloves, shoes, fireproof suit, underwear, socks: $600-$2,800) brakes (rotors, pads, lines, fluid: $100-$600), and wheels and tires (fresh DOT 190 treadwear rating tires: $350-$900).  Plus there is travel to the event, towing, hotels, food, and fuel for an endurance race.  I’ll save you the trouble of trying to figure out how to use the calculator on your cell phone.  The average cost for a team who brought a fresh car to their first LeMons race is about $5,000.

Shnikees!  $5,000, you moan?  You thought the race was for $500?  You thought this race was for the guys who don’t have lots of money.  Well, in comparison to the American LeMans Series (with a weekend budget of about $500,000), yes, this race is a hell of a bargain.  But in comparison to a weekend autocross or a Wednesday night drag race in your street car, this race ain’t cheap.  But to put things into perspective, you do get a lot for your dollar, usually 14 hours worth of racing.  You could autocross every weekend for the rest of your life and never see 14 hours worth of track time.

Many people have convinced themselves they could really pinch pennies and do the race on the cheap, but by the time the green flag drops, they too have dropped thousands of dollars.  There is a lot of preparation that goes into the safety aspect of these junker cars.  An Autopower bolt in roll cage from I/O Port Racing Supplies (www.ioportracingsupplies.com) usually starts around $900.  I’ve found, after pricing steel and fabrication costs that $900 is a great price.  If you already have all the personal racing gear, then you can save some money there.  However, chances are you don’t have a $900 Nomex suit hanging in your closet next to the tux you never wear.

SANCTIONING BODY

You can thank automotive journalist Jay Lamm for the newest shot to the arm in the world of motorsports.  He dreamed up this knucklehead idea (which turned out to be a genius idea) and, like any good crime boss, has done a fine job of keeping everyone in line.  Nick Pon is Jay’s consigliore, the one who keeps the website wheels spinning, and the main Judges, Jonny Lieberman (Autoblog) and Phil Greden (Jalopnik) are Jay’s hit men.  They keep the competition honest and punish anyone who screws around on the track.  Speed Sport Life’s Zerin Dube also did a guest spot as a LeMons Judge.  Most of the things you need to know about the rules and entry process (you have to convince Jay to let your team race) can be found at the LeMons website: www.24hoursoflemons.com. 

THE HIGH

This is full blown, full bore (and full contact) road racing at its finest.  In actuality, I think it may be some of the purest road racing happening in the world.  I know that is a big statement to make, but hear me out.  In a Formula One race, you might make two or three passes a race.  Maybe twenty passes all season.  In a 24 Hours of LeMons race, you can pass twenty cars in one lap.  There is traffic, late braking, passing, drafting, back straight drag racing, bumping (don’t do it!), pit stops, fueling, driver swaps, you name it.  It is an all out motorsports orgy.  In a single hour on the track during a LeMons race you will see more action than in a season of SCCA or NASA road racing. 

Your adrenaline will be off the charts.  For most drivers it is their first experience really piloting a fully caged racecar around a closed circuit.  And they will be gaining that experience with a hundred, yes I said a hundred, other cars with equally inexperienced drivers surrounding them.  On the track its noisy, it’s hectic, it’s everything you ever wanted it to be.  Caution: it’s highly addictive.

CAR WEAR

This is not the place to compete with your daily driver.  Mom will definitely find out if you borrow the car for the weekend and go to a LeMons race.  Obviously, after gutting the interior and installing a roll cage, this sport is for a dedicated racecar, well, let me rephrase that, it’s for a dedicated piece of crap, which has been turned into a racecar.  You’ll recognize a veteran LeMons car by the beat to hell body panels on every side.  As the LeMons series has matured, so has the driving style.  Even so, each race still has a fair amount of impacts, roll-overs and totaled racecars.  The interesting thing about LeMons racecars: if they survive an event and come back, they always look crappier, yet they magically become surprisingly faster than before.

And of course, there is the ultimate factor in car wear, the dreaded People’s Curse.  During a LeMons event, each team gets to vote for one car to be demolished/taken apart/bashed by hammers/chef’s surprise.  This is intended to keep people from bringing a ten thousand dollar “$500” racecar.  Oh, they’ll let you enter the car, and then they will pull the car apart with a skip loader in front of a cheering crowd throwing lemons at your car.  Lesson here: Don’t bring a car to LeMons you are not totally prepared to be parted with.

YOUR DAY

Your day at LeMons is actually three full days at a road course racetrack (or oval track utilizing the infield as a road course).  The first day is all about technical inspection and then B.S. inspection.  Technical inspection is there to make sure the car is safe and that all of your safety gear is current (your BMX helmet from 1986 isn’t going to fly here).  They want to make sure you remembered to tighten the nuts on the bolt in roll cage, and that your 5 point harness is not attached to the floor pan with sheet metal screws drilled through the webbing material (yes, this has been found). 

The B.S. portion of the inspection is where the Judges, adorned in black robes and white wigs, shake you down and sweat you on the actual value of the vehicle.  This is where you want to have all of your papers in order.  You say you bought a 1999 Mazda Protégé for $200 (because it had a dented right fender) and then you added a locking differential for $100 (an amazing eBay score), got a set of anodized coil-overs on sale at the flee market for $50, and paid cash for a used (but looks new) cold air intake and header from your neighbor for $100.  By all accounts you only spent four hundred and fifty bucks.  Guess what?  The Judges aren’t buying that load of crapola and you just earned yourself some penalty laps – one lap for every ten bucks over budget.  Your ’99 Protégé project will probably land you around 100 penalty laps, meaning you need to beat your competition by 101 laps in order to win.  Ain’t gonna happen. 

The Judges know their stuff and have been lied to, snookered, and have seen more hidden cheats than most NASCAR tech guys.  The smart thing to do is bring a legit $500 clunker, hand the judges some brewskis to bribe them a bit so they don’t look too closely at the front sway bar diameter (they like microbrews, no rocky mountain piss water).  Another great way to stay in the Judges’ good graces is to have a fantastic and creative theme for your team.  A great theme goes a long way with the LeMons staff.  If you show up with an ex-spec Miata racecar and your theme is “Awesome Spec Miata Race Team” you’re in big trouble.  However, if you show up with a Miata with a turbocharger on it and adorn yourself as a cross-dressing French Maid (including the skirt and fishnet stockings over hairy legs) you might actually be okay.  Depends on which Judge you get and what he’s into.

Once inspection is done, it’s time to cruise the pits and start the bench racing.  Here you will get the chance to see people attempting to pull off all night motor swaps with nothing but a half dead flashlight and a crescent wrench (LeMons teams love to lunch motors in practice before the race).  This is a great time to meet the competition and witness the creative ways people built racecars with the spending cap of $500.    

The next day you and your team will attend a driver’s meeting where they will explain what the flags mean (green “go,” yellow “slow,” black “no”).  Then the race will begin, sort of.  You are not going to find the big Indy 500 double file start here.  The cars are guided out onto the track where they drive around lap after lap to see if each car’s transponder is working (you can rent these and zip tie them to the frame, it scores your laps electronically).  Historically, a few of the cars break down before the race actually begins.  Randomly, they will drop the green flag and the race is on!

Without fail a large number of the racers on the track will begin to drive the race as if it was the last lap of the Daytona 500, as opposed to the first lap of a 24 hour endurance race.  Paint is traded, black flags are handed out and teams are sent to the penalty box before five laps can be scored.  Besides the B.S. inspections, the Judges also hand out creative and wicked penalties to the drivers and teams that do foolish things on the track (Newsflash: rubbin’ ain’t racin’ at LeMons, go straight to the penalty box and do not collect $200 if you pass GO).  Oftentimes, teams are made to sit in the penalty box for 30 minutes while the rest of the field continues to make laps.  Or worse, the Judges will weld a large metal pig to your roof so everyone on the track knows you drive like swine.

As the race wears on, cars come in for fuel, driver swaps and occasionally for repairs.  Long races are hard on cars, and they are really hard on $500 cars.  Teams that can make quick on-the-fly repairs get back on the track and back in the mix.  Teams that are searching in the index of their Chilton manual to find out why the car isn’t running are doomed to spend most of the race sitting in the pits as opposed to going fast.

Most LeMons races are split into two days, with a nighttime intermission.  When day one of racing ends, the party begins.  Everyone mills around talking about the race or sometimes handing out apologies for contact or close calls.  Some teams are campaigning not to get the People’s Curse vote by handing out beers and generally lame explanations of why their car is three times faster than anyone else on the track.  Most teams are trying to get their cars back together to run the next day.  There are a lot of tools, beers and stories traded around the pits at LeMons which is what makes the race so much fun to be a part of.

The next morning, bright and early (regardless if you got any sleep or if your car is running again) the race is back on.  About half way through the day of racing one of the cars is given a black flag and with that, the bad news.  They have a date with a bulldozer.  The race continues while the large crowd of people wait in anticipation of seeing a car destroyed (think Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome).  Once you see a car have its motor ripped out by a skip loader, you’ll think twice about spending three thousand on a balanced and blueprinted engine for LeMons.

Eventually the time expires and the checkered flag is dropped.  The team that has completed the most laps wins the overall crown.  The team with the best themed car wins the People’s Choice and the team that brought the absolutely most heinous piece of crap to drive and manages some semblance of laps wins the Index of Effluency award.  Generally there are no losers at LeMons and a good time is had by all.

THE PEOPLE

LeMons is all about the eclectic mix of people who compete in this race.  Everybody brings a little something to add to the flavor.  The cool thing is most of the people at LeMons seem to have a great sense of humor, which is shown in a lot of the team and car themes.  Most teams don’t take themselves too seriously, and even the teams that are serious about the racing are still having fun in the pits, partying, sharing barbeque and helping each other scavenge parts to fix ill-fated cars.  You’ll find the full gamut of motorsports fanatics at LeMons, from people who have never been on a racetrack ever (but frighteningly are now) to pro race drivers, slumming it for a weekend of fun.

GLORY

If you can win it, there is glory here.  The sheer amount of competitors and crew makes the amount of spectators enormous compared to most amateur motorsports.  Winners will be treated to trophies, cash, speeches, flashbulbs and a large cheering crowd (nope, still no trophy girl).  Try to find those kinds of accolades at a rallycross.  The 24 Hours of LeMons has had enormous media support (print, TV and internet), so chances are you or your car will be featured in some sort of article or blog.  You won’t get any of that winning an E.T. Bracket Drag Race on a Wednesday night.

OH, YOU WANT TO WIN, DO YA?

LeMons is an endurance race.  All you have to do to win is endure.  And the best way to endure is to avoid.  Avoid pre-race penalty laps (by bringing a legitimate $500 car), avoid mechanical problems (by getting lucky enough to bring a $500 car that doesn’t break down), avoid black flags (don’t sit in the penalty box for hours while your competition makes laps on you) and last but not least, avoid crashing (if you can).  If you avoid those four things you’ll have a chance to win LeMons.  I guarantee that you won’t win by driving like a madman during hour two of a fourteen hour race.  All I can guarantee if you do drive like that is either a black flag for spinning off the track or a broken racecar.  Either way, you won’t win the grand prize of $1,500 paid out in nickels. 

Speed, gutsy passes and a fast engine will not bring you a LeMons victory.  With that being said, I know that half of you will still drive as fast as possible, make risky passes and try to get the strongest engine in your car that you can sneak under the Judges’ noses.  Good luck with that.  I know, I know, you’re a real wheel man.  You’ll go out, race your ass off, probably finish around 47^th, but get on the LeMons’ forum and brag about how for twenty minutes in the middle of the race nobody passed you (you would have won the race if your car hadn’t fallen apart or your co-drivers had just been as fast as you were).  Hey, type your heart out, that’s what forums are for.

For those who want to listen, just remember: slow down, survive, and at the end of the race you’ll have a chance to be victorious.    

RACER BOY GAUGE

Let’s review the Racer Boy gauge cluster here:

FUEL (Cost): The fuel gauge is below a quarter tank because this race cost you some money, and then it went over budget and cost you even more money than you expected.

RPMs (Adrenaline): The tachometer is at 6,500 RPMs because you are finally doing it, real road racing.  Door to door competition, split second decisions for last second passes, on dedicated race tracks filled with traffic.

MPH (Danger): The Speedometer is around 100 mph because they didn’t make you install all of that safety equipment for nothing.  The fact of the matter is road racing is dangerous compared to other forms of motorsports like autocross.  With lots of cars on track, fairly high speeds, varying expertise levels on course, anything can happen (and usually does).

VOLTS (Time): The volts gauge is below a quarter because building a racecar, even a $500 one, takes an enormous amount of effort and time.  Your girlfriend, wife, or hetero-life partner, will definitely be pissed about how many hours you spent tearing out the interior and installing a roll cage.

MILEAGE (Car Wear): The mileage is at around 500,000 miles because chances are, the car had 250,000 miles already which is what made it worth only $500.  This race will beat the snot out of any car.  Cars come here to die.  And for sure, one out of the hundred cars will surely die at the hands of the People’s Curse.

The 24 Hours of LeMons is the real article.  It will be everything you were hoping for and more if you can get the money, buddies, car and time (in that order) to put forth the effort to enter and compete.  The series is still young, pure and hasn’t been affected by any large changes to the rules or corporate sponsorship.  Even though I’ve outlined the actual cost to enter as somewhat steep, the race still is an absolute bargain in reference to the costly world of automobile racing.  So it’s still affordable and as of this moment, not completely sold out.  Get it while the getting is good.  Currently, Red Bull has not entered a car… yet.

Editors Note: Speed Sport Life contributors Rob Krider (Racer Boy) and Jack Baruth (Avoidable Contact) have each separately earned overall wins in the 24 Hours of LeMons, which is something no other automotive website has been able to achieve.

Historical fiction by Jonny Lieberman, camera obscura images by Nick “Deuce-Deuce” Pon

Howdy! Judge Lieberman here. Well friends, the latest installment of Racing for Dummies came and went in blur of dumped oil, moonshine, poisonous snakes, righteous BBQ and mostly moonshine. Some of y’all might have followed my colleague and fellow LeMons Supreme Court Justice Murilee Martin’s excellent coverage of the race. Or you maybe followed all the action live — including yours truly getting interviewed and providing play by play commentary — on Speed TV these two-guys’ homegrown website. Or maybe you just read a book to your children. But you definitely noticed that there was no Speed:Sport:Life coverage. My wonderful Windows Fista laptop decided that it didn’t like being online in South Cackalacky. So it is only now, two-days after the festivities ended, that I am able to sit down and organize my $500 crapcan racing thoughts. Join me?

Having fully sobered up recovered from last month’s Houston Gator-O-Rama, Judge Martin and myself were dropped off by Chief Perp Jay Lamm and welder to the stars Arc Angel at the Canada Racing Bungalow across the street from CMP. Waiting for us was not only a quart of bourbon, but our very own for the weekend 1996 Buick Roadmaster woody wagon complete with a newly rebuilt LT1. As well as “Here Comes Da Judges” stickers. You should be jealous of me, yes. After an epicurian feast and much loquatiousness, your judges headed to the track to see what was up circa midnight. As it happened, drunks! But not too many of them. Just one team, really. And after pre-refusing their offer of both a midget hooker bribe and a gentlemanly game of beer pong, we retired for the evening, slightly broken hearted at the lack of pit row action.

That worry proved to be short-lived. 94 cars in various states of grime and decay descended on Kershaw, South Carolina. Judge Martin and I had to subject them all to our now patened form of Bullshit Inspection by the end of business, Friday. Gulp. Luckily, the LeMons Judicial system is all about innovation (assuming that it’s about anything at all). For instance, some sort of Kia rolled through and we just gave them a “flying zero” in terms of laps. Because really, they have enough problems. We also walked a 1972 Ford LTD right through because… it’s a 1972 Ford LTD. Other cars had bigger problems. The all-too-typical Spec Miata showed up (222 lap penalty) as did a might-as-well-be Spec E30 (125 laps). My favorite had to be Team Hammer’s Heroes and their E24. Team leader John Hammer was dumb unfortunate enough to post the following on his blog:

The BMW is now in the capable hands of Billy Revis. Billy owns Motorsport Connections in Mooresville & Winston/Salem. He’s also a former Speed World Challenge racer. Yeah, he knows something about making a car work.

Dropping your car off at a speed shop? Oops. We printed out and produced the offending entry and confronted John with it. He had no good excuse. 100 laps.

The nonsense continued. Team Superkak Racing showed up with the same NASA champ Mustang Racer as last time — a car easily worth $3,000. Only thing is, their team captain is a little smarter than everyone else and back in July he presented us with the best documentation we’d ever seen. Still is. Sure, they spent $2,500 on their uber-cheater Fox ‘Stang and its rodded 347, but they sold off over $4,000 worth of parts. Assuming they were still in negative land, the Superkakers went ahead and spent an additional $310 dollars between the last race and this time. Only thing was, they didn’t bother to read the rules this time. See, after each race, you need to email Chief Perp Lamm a photo of your post-race car and he assigns you a residual value. If Jay says your car is worth $190, then you can spend $310 on your racer. If he says it’s worth $499.93 (like he did to Team White Lightning and their hella-cheating FC RX7) than you can spend seven cents (White Lightning opted just to glue the money to their hood).  Judge Martin and I decided the Superkak Mustang was worth $400, which put them at $710. That’s $210 over, AKA 21 laps. As you may know, their fellow competitors dinged ‘em a bit harder than that.

The BS Inspection continued with plenty of “Wang dang mang, I done sold this car to myself for $0 — Dat’s cool, right mang?” lame excuses and the guilty parties got hammered by our Mallets’o'Justice. The excuses cam fast and spurious; luckily so did the bribes. Thanks to the stupid global economic meltdown, cash bribes were a little lighter than we would have liked (especially considering the 401k replenishing bonanza we experienced in Houston) but the booze-kickbacks were up. Way up. I would like to give a special shout out to all the kind Southern dandies that provided me with a bottle of 12-Year-Old Dewars Reserve (the fake $159.99 pricetag was a nice touch) and the 14-year-old Oban, respectively. Judge Martin is quite stoked with his 12-year-old Glenfiddich and 7-week-old Limoncello. We also experienced a bumper crop of moonshine, some of which was really fantastic. Of course some of which wound up dumped into various fuel cells come Sunday. Lamm and Co. even established a Moonshine Cup, and even though the Jake Leg and temporary blindess haven’t quite subsided, I seem to recall the Volvo Amazon driving Tuna Chuckers won that competition.

A few special shout outs before we move on to Saturday’s racing action: some group of MENSA candidates decided to write “Genrah Ree” on the side of the Honda. Bad news for them is that LeMons second in command (or is that third?) Nick Pon is half Asian. Duh oh. Those of you that can remember the past know how we deal with perceived racial epithets here at LeMons. These clowns didn’t. Not only that, they hailed from Georgia so we made them write, “Ulysses S. Grant #1,” “I [Heart] Abe” and my personal favorite, “Sherman Was Justified” on their car. Tee hee! Also memorable was dumping all bad beer bribes over the bribees’ engines. I am a Certified beer judge, after all. And when has Michelob Ultra (shudder) ever been a good idea? Friday night was spent swilling Team Dos Boot’s yummy homebrew and sucking on excellent pork ribs. Judges need their strength.

As a LeMons Supreme Court Judge, I sadly don’t get to watch as much as the race as I’d like because most of my time is spent busting bad drivers’ asses. Considering the black flag bonanza of the last two races (288 black flags at Arse-Freeze-Apalooza, 250+ at Gator-O-Rama), I was thinking I’d be lucky to watch maybe five minutes of on track action. Unbelievably, and most certainly miraculously, these here Southern racers managed to run a largely penalty free race. In fact, it’s the least penalized LeMons race I’ve ever seen. I would guesstimate less than 100 black flags in all. As such, I got to watch several dozen sets of brakes go up in smoke, countless spins, crunches and thrown rods that make the 24 Hours of LeMons the world’s fastest growing motorsport event. Of course we did spent some time punishing people. [Quick Update: Here's almost all the penalties in video form compiled by Judge Rahul]

As the South is home to so many military bases we figured a march was in order. We waited for a few cars to smash into each other (a short wait, to be sure), lined up the offending teams behind our righteous judge mobile and cruised the pits. With Judge Martin at the wheel, I was left to sit on the Buick’s tailgate, megaphone in hand and lead the cadence call, “I don’t know what I been told, passing under yellow’s getting mighty old. I don’t know but I done heard, metal on metal is plain absurd. Julio Iglesias, jacked off in outer spacious. I don’t know but I done read, four wheels off will get you dead.” And so on. That was much fun.

In fact every time two cars came in for metal on metal contact, we instantly taped the drivers’ legs together for a three legged race. This involved them walking the length of the paddock and retrieving items from the snack bar — with a receipt! — for our hungry, hard working crew. Of course, nothing satisfies the whiny-little bitches some people have other ideas. “Can’t we just hug?” pleaded one member of the now infamous Tuna Chuckers. Sure I told him and proceed to tape him and the other driver up belly to belly. Then, when my back was turned, another Chucker cut them loose. So, I added him to the party. A third Tuna Chucker began yelling at the driver from the other car that the contact was the latter’s fault. He got himself taped up, too. That’s three Tuna Chuckers and some other poor guy. Then I sent the four of them stumbling off to embarrass themselves in front of others. We also put together a five legged race (four bad drivers) that got us two OJs, one black coffee and one coffee with cream. And a receipt! It was fun for all watching these guys trying to move. Yes, I love my job.

There was much more judicial capriciousness and cruelty to be sure (Bobby Bosch Relay Race anyone?), but cataloging it all here would take several pages. Besides, you should of been there. The racing I did see was good. The action lulled enough for me to see the Schumacher Taxi Toyota FX16 totally bone it cut turn one a little sharp and wind up on his door after flipping on his roof. Driver walked away. I also got to see the Racing Nemo E30 ignore a parked Ford Thunderbird, two yellow flags and a debris flag then rear-end said broken down Thunderbird at about 40 mph. Both teams featured heroic wrenches and were back on track within hours. Both drivers were totally fine, too. However, we made the lady driving the Nemo BMW perform a variety of sobriety tests before we let her go racing because crashing under yellow is just, um… There’s no excuse for that. My favorite task was making her close her eyes and count to thirty silently. It took the driver 27 seconds, which is actually excellent. Try it yourself. Sober. And then I saw what happened to the Kudzu Kommandos’ E30 after they pointed their exhaust tips at their gas tank. Hint: heat plus fuel equals KABOOM!!! That driver was also fine. In conclusion, some team won the race (who cares?), the totally 100% amazing Turbo Schnitzel guys (thanks for the brats!) and their simply wretched Merkur XR4Ti won the Organizer’s Choice trophy and Team Heavy Metal with their glorious ‘72 LTD took home the all important Index of Effluency. Awesome job, guys. See the rest of you slobs next month in Reno!

Click for Larger Image

It’s sad but true: when I was a kid, Internet access pretty much didn’t exist. I didn’t even start reading USENET until 1990, at which point I was already eighteen years old. In the pre-Web days, if you wanted to know something, you went to the library. If you were lucky, the answer was in a book. If you couldn’t find a book with the answer, you were more or less screwed. For example, my elementary-school library had a copy of “The Car Book 1971″ that had all the prices of new cars from 1971, and I memorized the book to the point that I could instantly recall the prices and specs of every new car sold that year. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the same book from 1972, which meant that as far as I knew, there were no cars sold in 1972. Or they were all free. Or they were all $1,999. There was simply no way to know.

The arrival of the Information Age has made that kind of knowledge starvation a thing of the past, with a few exceptions. One of those exceptions is information on amateur and entry-level-professional sedan racing. Those who talk about it on the Internet don’t really know; those who know aren’t telling, for a variety of reasons we’ll discuss below. When I started my racing “career” a few years ago, I had to learn about the costs and difficulties of racing firsthand, at my own considerable expense, and my conversations with other racers have indicated that this state of affairs is nearly universal.

Universal it may be, but it isn’t right. So in this episode of Avoidable Contact, I’m going to give you a brief tour of amateur and entry-level-professional sedan racing. Specifically, we’re going to talk about requirements, costs, and results. I can’t put you in the seat of a real race car — only you can do that for yourself — but I can at least give you a reasonable idea of what’s involved. There are resources, both print and Web, which claim to tell the truth about the costs of racing, but trust me: most of them are either pursuing an agenda or making bizarre assumptions regarding your access to things like frame jigs, TIG welders, and $100 Hayabusa engines. Since most people can’t actually do things like “knock together” an SCCA GT-2 tube chassis, a lot of the advice and information that’s out there might as well be fantasy.

To keep things simple and comparable, most of the costs discussed here will be “rent-a-ride” costs; I will discuss ownership costs in a future column, assuming there’s any interest. We’ll start with the 24 Hours of Lemons and go as far as the Speed World Challenge. So, without further ado, let’s climb to the top of the “Pyramid Of Speed” and see what’s there.

24 Hours Of Lemons: $500-1000 a weekend

Click for Larger Image

There are a variety of really low-cost entry-level wheel-to-wheel options out there, such as $300 ARCA circle-track rentals, but the average would-be road-racer is likely to be most satisfied by buying a seat in a 24 Hours of Lemons team. For somewhere between five hundred bucks and a solid G, you should be able to find a spot with a team that is serious about winning the event. Another five hundred should buy you a basic SA2005-rated helmet, cheapo three-layer driver’s suit, and fireproof gloves and shoes.

While most of the Lemons teams out there are reasonably scrupulous about adhering to the $500 car rule, that amount doesn’t cover the rollcage, the tires, the brakes, the consumables, or any number of other allowables. It’s very possible to spend three or four grand on a “$500 car”, so budget accordingly.

The requirements for being a Lemons driver are absolutely minimal. You’ll need the aforementioned personal equipment plus $75 for a one-time license. Your money should get you between two and six hours on the racetrack. Speeds rarely exceed sixty miles per hour, but you will learn a lot about managing traffic, passing, and withstanding impact. Winning Lemons will impress exactly nobody, as I found out when I won the 2007 Flat Rock event, but it’s neither easy nor trivial to hoist that cup full of nickels above your head. Still, it isn’t “real” racing. For that, you’ll need to sack up and choose one of the next options.

SCCA Improved Touring and Regional Racing: $1000+ per weekend

Click for Larger Image

SCCA has two kinds of racing. There’s “Regional” racing, which is a relatively low-budget affair designed for people who don’t want to compete on a National level, and then there’s “National” stuff. The mainstay of Regional sedan racing is the Improved Touring series. Magazines like Grassroots Motorsports like to make racing in “IT” sound as simple and cheap as running down to your local dragstrip on Grudge Match night. It ain’t so, but neither is it prohibitively expensive for most people.

You’ll need to join the SCCA to start, and if you’re smart you’ll also find a program like NASA’s HPDE, SCCA’s PDX, or one of the marque-club Driver’s Education programs to show you how to get around a racetrack without killing yourself. Once you’re comfortable being on a track in a street car, it’s time to attend an SCCA competition school. You’ll need to rent a race car for this in most regions. Plan on spending between $1000 and $2500 for a “double driver’s school” weekend in someone else’s car. Don’t hurt the car; you’ll have to pay to fix it, and that could run you serious cash. The purpose of SCCA drivers’ schools is to teach you how to pass, how to watch the flags, and how to behave on-track. At no point will anyone teach you to be Randy Pobst. You will have to learn that yourself, later. And don’t catch the “red mist” during school. As someone once told me, you can’t “win” the driver’s school, but you can sure as hell “lose” it by crashing out.

With your Regional license in hand from passing the driver’s school, it’s time to find an Improved Touring seat. This can be tough for somebody who has never raced before, because most car owners don’t want to take a chance on somebody new. Look in your local SCCA newsletter or on the regional website to find an “IT” rental opportunity. Call ‘em up. Be polite, concise, and factual. Expect to spend between one and two grand for a weekend. This will get you a car that might be capable of winning a race, but probably not in your hands. It will pay for some used tires and fuel. It won’t pay for damage, excess wear and tear caused by temper or stupidity, or new tires. So race smart, even if you have to race slow, and learn your craft.

In the real world, by the time you drive to a race, stay in a hotel, eat a meal or two, pay your entry fee (which is a minimum of $250 most places) and buy a T-shirt, you’re going to spend a minimum of $1500 to go Improved Touring racing in someone else’s car. Let’s put that in perspective: racing an old VW Golf or Honda Civic once a month costs as much as buying a Nissan GT-R or Porsche Cayman S on a five-year loan. Are you starting to get a sense of why racers are all “coin-operated”? Our next option is no cheaper, just different.

NASA Cheap Classes: $1500-5000 a weekend

Click for Larger Image

There are two major organizations in American amateur racing. SCCA is the older, established, more prestigious group, while NASA is the new kid on the block. It would take a whole book to discuss the differences between the two, but here’s one way to look at it: NASA offers a wider variety of race options for production-based cars, is more contact-and-drama-tolerant, and is also more welcoming to new racers. I’m a NASA racer. It’s the right fit for me, but some people are better-suited for the SCCA. After a few races with either sanction, you’ll know where you belong, and it’s possible for rent-a-riders to move back and forth between the two, as most SCCA and NASA Regions will honor a competition license from the “other” sanction.

NASA offers a variety of affordable production-car classes: Spec Miata, Performance Touring, the slower German Touring Series classes, Honda Challenge, Spec Focus, and others. To get started, you’ll want to have some on-track experience in your street car. One year with NASA’s HPDE program should take care of that. You can then attend one of NASA’s driver schools. The Mid-Ohio School offers a pretty good one-day course, using their Acura TSX “school cars”, for about a grand. Of course, you’ll need the same helmet, suit, gloves, and shoes you’d need for SCCA or Lemons. You’ll also need a HANS Device or similar, which costs $695 or more, to race wheel-to-wheel in NASA.

Pass your driver’s school and you’ll be eligible to rent a car and go racing. Unlike SCCA, NASA makes no distinction between Regional and National racing. It’s possible to take Comp School in July, race twice in July and August, and then go run the National Championships in September of that same year.

Rental costs for entry-level classes in NASA range from $1500 (for a tired Spec Miata) to $5000 or more (for a well-prepared GTS or Performance Touring car). It’s very, very possible to spend $15,000 on a NASA racing weekend, but you don’t want to do that right away. Heck, you really don’t want to do it at all, because for that kind of money you could race “pro”. In fact, NASA permits cars from the Speed World Challenge and Koni Challenge pro series to run in Performance Touring, so if you want to try a “pro” car in a low-stress environment, NASA can be the right place for you. Plan on spending a minimum of $5000 to do that for a weekend. Be aware, too, that most rentals in NASA have a minimum damage amount of ten grand or more. You can do $50,000 worth of damage to many GTS-class race cars in a second or less, and it’s usually payable immediately, in certified funds, before the end of the weekend. Even a lowly Spec Focus can cost $15,000 to repair. And here’s the best part: it might not even be your fault. You could be minding your own business, get put in the wall by somebody else, and still have to pay. Make. Sure. You. Understand. This. Before. You. Take. A. Green. Flag. Okay?

Winning a NASA National Championship will get you… um, nothing. All sorts of hacks and idiots win NASA National Championships. Heck, I was one error in judgment away from being a NASA National Champion in 2007. As the sanction ages and competition thickens, that situation will change, but in the meantime, if you want respect in amateur racing… look below.

SCCA National Championship Racing – $3000 and up. Way up.

Click for Larger Image

Now we’re getting close to The Show. Winning an SCCA National Championship is a gold-plated testimony to your talent as a driver, your skill as a car builder, or both. The list of SCCA National Champions reads like a “Who’s Who” of serious racers. But it ain’t cheap. To begin with, you’ll need to have a year of mostly incident-free Regional racing under your belt, and you’ll need to find a National ride. People can and do spend six figures to win National Championships, but $3000 should get you a Spec Miata or American Sedan seat at a National race. Of course, if you want to go to the actual championship race, (referred to as the Runoffs) in any class, you will need a lot more than that. But if you win the Runoffs, you will want a new challenge…

Speed World Challenge and Grand-Am Koni Challenge: $8000-50,000 per weekend. That’s right.

Click for Larger Image

Here we are. The Show. Professional racing. And guess what? You’re gonna pay to race. Almost everybody does. It’s the dirty little secret of “pro” racing. Everybody pays. Sure, some teams offer a salary to a few of their drivers, but the number of people actually making a living in Speed World Challenge or Koni Challenge probably wouldn’t fill an extended-length E-150. Instead, drivers beg their sponsors, friends, families, and spouses for money to make the grid. Ah, money. Well, just the annual license for Koni Challenge costs six hundred bucks. The good news: you get to attend all the Rolex Series races for free as long as you’re wearing it. To qualify for that license, you’ll want to have some club racing background, preferably without too many black marks on your record or too many probationary periods. One year should be enough. During that one year, try to win the lottery, inherit some money, or become a lobbyist for a group of Florida orange-juice farmers, ’cause it takes cheddar to race professionally.

Eight grand or thereabouts will sit you in a decent ride for the Speed Touring Car or Koni “ST” class. You’ll be on television. Maybe. To have a chance at winning, you’ll want to spend more. Ten or fifteen grand will put you up at the sharp end, where the announcers can mispronounce your name and criticize your driving. If you want to run the faster cars in the “GS/GT” classes of Koni or Speed, you’ll pay more. A lot more. A weekend in a Ford FR500C Mustang might cost $20,000. And guess what? It’s possible to do $175,000 worth of damage to that car. In under one second. You know the drill. Pay before you leave.

It’s kind of funny, really. Nearly everybody who brags on Facebook or on their personal website about being “signed” to a Koni or SWC team is really writing a big check to that team. And some of the checks are quite large. Koni Challenge is an enduro series, so you can spend a little more money and get a known hotshoe to be your second driver. The arrangement is common, even in Daytona Prototype. The paying driver is the “gentleman driver”; the paid driver is the “pro”. I heard a rumor recently that one “gentleman” paid $185,000 for a Koni Challenge season with a well-respected “pro”.

Think about it. At this level, it costs just as much to race a Honda Civic or Volkswagen GTI for a year as it does to own a Lamborghini Gallardo. Which one will impress your friends more? You know the answer to that. But if you have the burning desire to race, to be in The Show, and to live a little bit before you die, owning a high-priced street car isn’t even an option. Racing on television is the ultimate high, the biggest hit possible. It’s what we all wanted to do as kids. Everything else, as Steve McQueen memorably said, is just waiting.

But wait, there’s more.

As you now understand, racing is expensive. But the weekend costs we’ve discussed don’t cover it all. In order to be competitive, you’ll want to run some practice days, which run from $500 a day in an Improved Touring Civic to twenty times that much for a Koni GS-class Porsche. To win races, you’ll need to buy new tires as often as possible, maybe four times a weekend, at a cost of anywhere between eight hundred and two thousand dollars a set. You’ll want the best equipment; my Impact! carbon fiber Air Draft helmet and HANS Professional Device together cost well over three thousand dollars, and a custom driving suit with the logo of your “sponsor” might run you another three G. Top-tier coaching from people like Ross Bentley will take precious tenths off your lap time, but each one of those tenths may cost you as much as a Rolex Submariner.

You’ll miss work to race, skip family events, disappoint friends, and force your loved ones to spend their weekends wondering if you’ll come home injured or in a box. The stress of knowing that you could end a race a hundred grand in the hole, or in that hole yourself, might drive you to make some very strange decisions. Some people lose their nerve out there on the track and return to the pits utterly broken inside. Others let the burning hunger for lap time, TV time, plastic trophies, or simple victory take over the rest of their lives. And once you’ve won a race, the fever to do it again will never truly leave you. Once you’ve put your foot on someone else’s neck — once you’ve looked out of your window net and simply destroyed another man’s confidence on the entry to a critical corner — you will want to do it again and again until it either kills you or ruins your life.

Those are the real costs. I’ve spent the equivalent of a new Corvette racing crappy little cars in the past two years, but that doesn’t cover half of it. The true cost arrived the moment I realized that I couldn’t stand a life where I wasn’t scheduled to race at some point in the near future. So I’ll be out on the grid again in 2009, and that includes a couple of shots at The Show. Cross your fingers for me, and I’ll look to see you out there, too.

Hiyo! Judge Lieberman here. Our last 24 Hours of LeMons interview was so much fun that we’re giving you another. This time with real LeMons racers. That’s right, time for you to bow before the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys and their red hot Peugeot 505. Why real? Because they’re running a French car in Goin’ For Broken (the Reno Race) while you’re playing fancy pants “real” racer wannabe in your cheatin’ E30 Beemer Miata. Tis true. Some of you may be familiar with the what happened to the Surrender Monkeys when they tried to just show up for at Arse-Freeze-Apalooza. For those too lazy to click links, they hit black ice and flipped their rig over, trashing both the trailer and the tow vehicle. But the bullet proof “Pujo” survived with nothing but nicks and scratches. Behold the power of French Steel and striking Algerian labor. Nothing says “real” LeMons car like a premptive crash! At any rate, team loudmouth Alan agreed to answer some questions. Another Cheese Eater also answered the questions, but we’re too lazy to look up his name. So let’s just call him Guy, non?

Judge Lieberman: Bonjour mon amis! Comment alles vous? Ce va? Bon! Let’s get down to brass tacks — do you think teams without French cars should even be allowed to race in LeMons?
Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Alan: Well of course since the French cars need something to beat. But please nothing normal and boring, just like a fancy dress ball teams should strive to show up in something no one else has. After all what’s the fun in being one of the 20 teams with an E30 or a Miata? Find something totally weird like a Tatra or maybe this thing (yes, that’s a real car). 
Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Other Guy: Of course non-French cars should be allowed. There is such a wide selection of European rolling garbage. Fiat and anything built by British/Leyland come to mind. I would have loved to find an Austin Allegro Equippe as a LeMon. Wouldn’t that have been glorious? They are, unfortunately, kind of hard to find in the States.   

JL: Lots of countries besides France bent over and dropped trou for the Nazis. Why France. Why not the Czech Republic? Or, uh, Belgium?
Alan: Because there are a lot more French than Belgians so it’s easier to make fun of them? Actually I have a lot of respect for the French, I worked for a company near Paris for 6 months and had a great time. Of course some say that was where the brain injury that gave me an appreciation for French cars happened.
Guy: Belgium? Have you tried the beer those guys drink? Tough stuff. It’s easier to take advantage of a pinky extending wine snob.

JL: I’ll make pretend that you didn’t just say that. If you didn’t have your glorious (and quite debonair) Peugeot 505 racing machine, what other type of French beauty would you be driving?
Alan: If I had the money to ship one over from France I bet I could easily find a $500 Citroen CX over there. I remember finding one for $1000 back in 1990 and I can’t imagine that they have appreciated since then!
Guy: Renault R5 turbo. No question. Those rock!

JL: Calm down. I think we can agree on how very much German LeMons cars blow. How many lap penalties should myself and fellow LeMons Supreme Court Justice Martin give to German cars? Should the ubiquitous E30s get hammered especially hard? Or should all Krauts be punished equally?
Alan: I’ve thought about this long and hard and I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem with the E30 isn’t the car itself but the fact that there are so many of them. Thus I came up with the perfect penalty, make them add 50 lbs of weight for each E30 that shows up! If you have 2 E30s then each must add 100 lbs, 5 E30s and each must add 500, etc. That way not only do teams starting out will ignore the E30 but the other E30 teams will go out of their way to dissuade more E30s from coming!
Guy: E30s?? Pffagh! Where can’t you find a $500 E30? Each one should be given the Peoples Curse treatment BEFORE technical inspection and BS judging. Do not speak of them again.

JL: So, tell us about your amazing accident on the way down to Thunderhill.
Alan:  The only good thing about the accident was that I wasn’t driving. I’m still amazed that we all came out of it ok. We had been so worried about the weather and were quite happy that the roads were clear and we could drive at normal freeway speeds, what we didn’t count on was the fact that cities are warmer than the countryside and as soon as we left Tacoma we hit a patch of black ice and it was all over. To show it wasn’t just us after we climbed out of the wreck we saw a Grand Cherokee spin at the exact same spot [Ed Note: Sure you did] and into the median. Thankfully he wasn’t hurt and continued on but if it weren’t for the officer that positioned himself just before that to slow folks down we probably would not have been the only ones to have spun there. BTW one funny thing about the accident is that no one slowed down for the truck and trailer lying wrecked in the snow but as soon as the tow truck guys pulled the Peugeot out traffic came to a standstill. What, no one had ever seen a $500 Peugeot race car before?
Guy: It’s surprising how fast black ice can send you into a ditch. The only other time I’ve felt that puckered was when I jumped out of a plane. Watching the kaleidoscopic effect of the dirt, snow and horizon outside the windshield was both disorienting and pretty though.

JL: If you guys can’t handle a truck and trailer (the entire state of Wyoming can, from birth) how can we expect you to do on the “race” track?
Alan: Hey, we’re from Seattle, no one knows how to drive in the snow here even though it snows almost every year!
Guy: Man. Run out of talent for just a second and you’re branded for life.

JL: Duh. How big an influence do you think your Peugeot is going to have on LeMons?
Alan: I think we’ll not only start seeing more French cars but cars from countries that you didn’t even know made cars! How long will it be before the first Hindustan shows up now that we’ve blazed the trail?
Guy: Oh, it’ll be the end of the E30 reign of homogeny, I tell ya. Next year everyone is going to be driving 505s baby!

JL: We can only hope. Speaking of pipe dreams, do you care about winning or winning the Index of Effluency? Or just winning the Fastest French Car award? 
Alan: In my opinion French car owners are eternal optimists, glass half-empty people just aren’t going to be happy with a car full of odd gadgets that even the guys who built it don’t know what they do. So since we’re crazy enough to buy the thing in the first place we’re also crazy enough to think we’re going to win! (well, the IOE at least…) 
Guy: Do I care? What would be the point otherwise? We’re out to win all 3.

JL: Good luck with that. Charles de Gaulle said, “La réforme oui, la chie-en-lit non.” Do you agree? Or do you shit your bed?
Alan: I think that’s “La réforme oui, la chienlit non“, lol. But I’m not 100% sure I agree with it, a little chaos can be fun, right? 
Guy: We will be reforming E30 drivers by not taking shit from them. My own personal bed is free of shit. What’s your home address again?

JL: My address? Y’all best be packing hella bribes. That said, I’m a betting man. I’d lay 50 to 1 odds that you crack the top 10 at Reno. 200 to 1 that you win. And 35 to 1 that you finish. Care to comment?
Alan: Hey, I’ll take your money if you’re offering those odds! I think we stand a good chance of finishing but I wouldn’t wager an old-style franc about the car making it more than half an hour before the first electrical gremlin appears, I swear the whole electrical system in the car is one big house of cards and as soon as one component fails some apparently unrelated item will go south with no explanation. Thankfully with French cars electrical problems tend to fix themselves as mysteriously as they happened but then of course some other completely different part will fail!
Guy: I’ll take those odds, care to wager a 30 year old bottle of fine French wine? We were saving it for a bribe, but this sounds MUCH more satisfying.
JL: No, We’ll just take it as a bribe, se vous plait.

-fin-

For more about the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, check their blog.

Hola! Judge Lieberman here (grunt).  Some of these LeMons clowns just don’t get the fact that the 24 Hours of LeMons is a joke. No, instead they take themsleves all seriously thinking they’re real racers by building websites, trying to win and printing t-shirts. Though I oughts point out that Team Unintended Acceleration — the guys that put my beautiful face on a shirt — are absolutely brilliant. Anyhow some dude named Tommy or Travis — Beavis? — or Floyd (who cares?) started bugging Justice Dube and me on Facebook of all places. And just to get my lady off my back (“who the hell are you always yacking with on the computer?”) I agreed to interview TAJracing about their horrendous (but no doubt cheatin’) Ford Escort “GT” crap can of a “race” car. They’ll be competeing at the LeMons South Spring event in just two short weeks. 

Judge Lieberman: You guys are from Florida. That has to suck.
TAJracing: Yes, we are from FLA and yes, it does suck. From the almost constant heat to the damn Snowbirds and tourists that can’t drive on our roads. These blue hair fogeys drive slow in the hammer lane and drive 15 MPH under a posted speed limit… ON ANY ROAD! But, we have one good thing here in FLA…..SEBRING!

JL: TAJ racing is a pretty poor name. Why couldn’t you think of anything more creative and/or better?
TAJ: I do have to admit it is pretty poor, but our other option was Floyd Auto Racing Teams….or F.A.R.T.s. We found it slightly difficult to con hard working companies into giving us money and product with a name like F.A.R.T.s. …so we definately had to tone it down a bit. Also, www.farts.com was already taken whereas www.tajracing.com wasn’t!

JL: I saw your car — why does your theme stink so bad? Does this have to do with your lack of a creative name? Or are you just dull and stupid?
TAJ: Ha, well our theme is really TAJ Escort Service, but like I mentioned earlier we found it hard to obtain product and services from multi gazillion dollar companies with a name like TAJ Escort Service (they thought we ran hookers). So, when we are in front of our sponsors we are TAJ Racing, but when we are at the track we are TAJ Escort Service. We still have plenty of field research to conduct on the Escort Service industry before we finish the livery of our Ford Escort GT-420.R MK III.

JL: If you weren’t racing in a pathetic, no chance of winning Escort, what car would be driving?
TAJ: I have always been a fan of the Fiat Panda and the Peel P50. I know both of those would be serious contenders. My next choice would be a Yaris from a rental company. Rental cars make the best Autocrossing cars so the same should be said for LeMons racing, eh?

JL: Very true. How did such a boring group of guys hear about the 24 Hours of LeMons?
TAJ: I stumbled upon the website www.24hoursoflemons.com while looking for a drink recipie for Absolut Lemon. That mistake created an obsession for which there is no known cure. Come to think of it, I never did find that recipie…

JL: Is winning everything? Or is the Index of Effluency everything?
TAJ: Winning is everything since the dumbasses on this team can’t think of anything worthy of winning the I.O.E. award with.

JL: Are you guys better drivers or better drinkers? And don’t lie.
TAJ: You’ll find out in April for yourself, but I believe we are much better drinkers.

JL: You are repeat offenders (LeMons Veterans). If you can share one piece of advice with virgin LeMons teams, what would it be?
TAJ: Bribe the judges any chance you get. If you see them in the paddock or garage, throw a beer their way. If you see them in the tech area, thow a Benji or two their way. If you see them in the bathroom….RUN!

JL: Keep one piece of advice secret from the virgins.
TAJ: OK, but nobody really wants our advice.

JL: If it turns out that God has a messed up sense of humor and your sad, silly car gets the nickels, how will you be spending ‘em?
TAJ: Beer, Porn, ammo… then more beer.

Hey look — a three stars out of ten youtube clip of the TAJracing Escort driving around a parking lot:

Haven’t had enough? TAJracing.com